My old imaginary friends, given their own lives, as dolls. They were my rock through the bitter years and beyond. Yes, I did turn inwards more, I became an introvert, but meanwhile, they were there, keeping me sane. I'm going to dedicate May and beyond to them, as a thank you.
Every day, 18:30.
They formed a hockey team I could never join, but they were still there, as my friends, let me live the life I wanted as a teen when I had no chance to. They always had time for me, they soothed my anger, sadness, fears. Sure, I had few friends and online later, but... when the computer stopped keeping my interest, I was off, in my room, in the closed space, where I could walk, talk, see them...
When their hockey team fell apart, some of them refused to give up and wanted to stay together. That's what they did and formed SnegDisastru, whose name I never ended up changing into Phoenixe Imperiale, though it's a name the band would deserve.
Of course, I had more of them, imaginary friends, but it's a long process to find just the perfect doll and perfect body and get the face just right. Some are more in their original look, some heavily modified and some I will probably never be satisfied with. 2012-2018 Barbies came with a horrid glue problem and I have several on constant observation and wash up list for it, three are waiting for a reroot, if the glue issue gets on my nerves more than it already does. I know I haven't written in this blog much about these things, should, but I can't always keep up with myself. I'm easily distracted and lose interest.
This is the freshly rerooted mini-me. JS dressed me up, the look is completed with sneakers and to be honest, that's almost identical to a sweater I own, that is a doll shirt made out of my own t-shirt and yoga pants. I've made miniatures of my classes also, because, well, I have that kind of glasses.
I wish there were petite Made-To-Move dolls, they have huge range of motion in joints, almost humanlike. Almost. Anyway... I also thought this needs to be a Music Month, so I've coupled all of them with a song that they'd listen and dig, or what reflects them.
Out of all the songs, I think I haven't posted this one of me. I don't have any motivation for anything, I've just lost all Get Up and Go, it got the fuck up and went without me and is now gone.
Three stints through school at a week-long "Work Experience Tryout" and they were at two different local stores and my old elementary (gawd, nightmare trips all of them!). They proved I'm most comfortable doing something under somebody's supervision, assisted, but with only one other person. That's what I've found out. And that I don't always think clearly. Not when nervous. Which is most of the time.
I didn't want to go to do a summer job, everyone else did, it was almost a scandal I was the only one in our village who hadn't been working summertime in the village cemetery. My grandparents let me chill the summer, take it easy and load batteries. They said after a school year, time off is a good thing. Besides, I never went anywhere beyond hopping on my bicycle and hitting the neighborhood, and later, not even that. So I was at home. All the time. I never went anywhere. I had my own shit. Though the paranoia caused by a former classmate spying on me left me unable to go outside for years, so that did cause the isolation as well.
Anyway, I digress. Next job was after I simply got fed up with studying after the semi-fiasco that was Joutseno... I simply crashed and burned. I had also tried phone sales and lasted a week, berry picking just destroyed my knees and the owner's wife and father were horrible to be around with. Few days only.
I was thrust into a personal service through the employment office, who got me to 6 months in a youth workshop. I first was nervous about it, then, liked it, then, ended up absolutely hating it. I also got some arguments in there, was sent to see a shrink (that led simply nowhere except the fact I had depression, had known that since junior high, that place changes people into monsters) and luckily I got to apply to art schools. Two of them I did get the entry to but chose Lappia Vocational College. It was crap as well. A trainwreck of a school.
Before that, I had my second most difficult job ever. Amusement park ticket cashier. Oh sweet bejesus! Only people not enjoying that place has to be those who sell the tickets. I can't go to details, but I couldn't handle the pressure. Even until the last day, I couldn't grasp the details and fumbled with the register, which was old fashioned, but still, gawd, it was horrid. I like going to the place and I have sympathy to everyone who starts as a cashier, it ain't simple.
Through Lappia I had to go and get a month's work practice place. The local weaver didn't reply or seem keen into taking a free worker, so I just called up my birth town's yarn store and was instantly taken in for the month. Hard, yes, did I blunder there too? YES. I never seem to do things right even after directions, which did hammer me down for weeks and left me with fear of failing so crippling I just can't. I liked it and visit the place, purchase stuff, but still...
I would have probably gotten to work in the local Chinese restaurant, I was good friends with the owners, but we moved and soon, they quit. I'm still rather bummed out, the owner would have taken me in right away. But I needed to get away from the town. I still have difficulties being there.
When I got to Sea-Lapland, I was pointed towards the free vacancy and appointed a place as a temp for Children's Culture and Art Center. 3 and a half months. Well... I was the one they picked, I was also hilariously underqualified for the job that I was simply dropped into. I had no idea what to do and was just fumbling around, barely managing to keep it together with the kindergarten groups that I had to help manage and run craft classes. Not really popular ideas I seemed to have and I just... I learned one thing, I don't want to deal with kids. I seemed to be a child magnet growing up and maybe still a bit too, but I don't like them the least bit. They couldn't have picked the worse worker than me. Out of three of us, one never showed up and the other... well she couldn't have been worse than me!
I don't remember how long was I without a job, when I was put into the care of employment office through the city and managed to score a place for 8 months, my longest yet, with the city's park maintenance unit. It was... a double-edged sword, it caused (and nearly broke my knees and back) my significant other's fibromyalgia to manifest and was full of friendships drama, but at least two good friends came out of it. There were days when I absolutely hated it (not a morning person and idiots make my blood boil) but also fun and an interesting job at times. Helped me know the city better.
Been unemployed for a year now, I pretty much shot myself in the leg with my anxiety as I didn't sign up with YTK sooner, so I didn't get their support (18 fucking hours!), but the government's, which fluctuates nowadays, thanks to the "Active Form", which means if there's no job or any courses checked up, I get reduced unemployment support and that just destroyed the last remnants of my sanity.
I've been almost to the brink of a total meltdown at least twice a month since I've been unemployed, struggling with money and not able to find a job I know I can do. I have tried asking the park maintenance do they want me back to the watering unit, but nothing yet, I'd have almost 4 months of the supported pay left, so they wouldn't need to pay me, but... I've also applied for housing support, which we are getting and living support, though I'm still waiting for that decision, do I even get it.
I'm a total wreck, left at everybody's mercy. Broke and Broken. I'm not even good enough to hire and nobody is really interested of my art or jewelry. I haven't felt this insignificant in years. Honestly.
Wow, online life. Something that gave me freedom, gave me a voice. Where I didn't get bullied. Where I found friends who stuck by me. Who are still there, when I need them. Well, as much as their own lives allow it. Life happens and sometimes, to me, a person always stuck in her ways, that is more like shit happens -situation.
I got a computer as a kid, but couldn't get online, we got a newer one with internet capabilities (and with my limited abilities) when I was in junior high and then, I could finally make use of the email I had. I found fanfiction and then, my world expanded past my school friends. Not many school friends are still there after that. In Junior High, Anna, Jenna, the other silent and more or less outcasts, JiliaSala in Senior High. They are still there.
Fanfiction became my outlet for creativity and sort of a therapy form. I'm not afraid to admit I write it, we all ship characters in our head, canon or noncanon, meaning, well, real in the fiction you follow or not real. It's like a sandbox really. I met my dearest friends through fanfiction and fangirling.
The Beyblade Crew, as I call them, are the most amazing, they went through all the trouble to come to our wedding and are just precious. We can pick up the usual bullshitting even after years and go on for hours as if nothing's changed. Though some of us are married, some have kids, jobs instead of school, it's mostly the same. Line, Steph, Narisa, Lian, Melissa, all still very close to my heart and very much my friends.
Lord of the Rings crew, wow, even crazier bunch, mostly fellow Finns though, some from close to my hometown, others from different corners of the country. Some have fallen along the way, out of touch and out of my life, some I miss, some I don't. Some took their other interests to the lengths it ended up making me just uneasy so I just ghosted them, not a right thing to do, I know, but like I've said before, Aikaansa kutakin. There's an era. Some I've ran into in different other forums, Final Fantasy (has quieted down, sadly) or Heavy Metal Fiction (crazy ass bunch, honestly XD) and I like the shenanigans and how they also are a bunch that you can always catch up on after months of silence and it just snowballs over again. Shame there's no more MSN, Skype just isn't the same. Justiina and Heidi are two forum friends who I hope never to lose touch with. Just too precious <3 "Ian", if you are reading this, it wasn't yours whose I read first, but second and I don't regret a thing. We used to email a lot, then, silence for years, until my writing had developed and my fandom overlapped with theirs then I realized there was a familiar ring to the name of one of my followers. Reconnected and a dear friend now. I salute you.
Messenger. Gawd, I miss that. Downloading it caused me anxiety, there was a time in my life when it had amped up a lot, but that revolutionized my contact with other people. I didn't need to agonize over a phone, I could hardly call my neighbors can they come over. (I heard their mom's 'no' through the forest, she's bit loud) Anna and I wrote a lot, first through emails and then, through MSN and I must say, I miss it a lot. That junior high time was... wild. Not in the sense one would think, our story ideas were at the same time brilliant, but also crazy and somewhere between Donald Duck and fanfiction.
It's about the same time I started publishing stories, reading them a lot and just... making art, posting it, socializing. I wasn't in any mainstream devices besides Skype and MSN, this was the time when dial-ups were more or less still up, no facebook. I think MySpace was still on back then. I didn't join until I moved out to study, that's when online life came more into play, I didn't have other means to connect with my friends, I had a 20€ limit on my phone, sometimes blowing it to texts, so online was a cheaper solution.
Phone... I miss my Nokia 3310, it was used when I got it, it was a must since I had to rely on bus travel to get to school about 16km away. I had troubles with gramp's previous model, so I got that and we all know that phone. Or a replacement for Mjölnir, as it seems. I dropped it on the concrete floor at school from 1,50m height and it actually solved a few glitches on it. Loved it. Haven't had much luck with phones since though. Let's not get into phones more, they cause me anxiety mostly.
Fusion of MSN and Skype destroyed most of my circle of friends, not all wanted to make the transition. JiliaSala doesn't have much luck upkeeping her Skype accounts, I don't understand why they always stop working...
Online, I've done my fair share of shadier things, but there ain't many who haven't, honestly. Not many. Just face it. Sure, stupid and all, but... *shrugs.
Now I'm on several forums, still, social media platforms, some to a lesser degree than before, but not many friends are on them anymore. Social Media is mostly just to catch up friends and to simply find cool things and bullshit around in for me. I openly admit I only keep some irl people in fb friends because they wanted it, I'm not overly happy with a ton of questions thrown at me, even though I always talk a mile a minute. Should try to learn how to shut up though.
Now that's something that's not easy, when my granny is the one I inherited the verbal diahrrea from. I'm not even kidding.
