Jesus Christ. I just can't take this shit anymore.
I've been on suspension from my unemployment support until yesterday. Everything's fucked up. At least the bills and rent should be covered. I regret everything. I can't deal with reality right now... I did reapply to the unemployment support yesterday, dunno did I do it too early, I don't understand the jargon they use very well.
Heck, I don't understand anything. I applied to two more jobs, even though mentally, I'm NOT in the right space for them. Well, I got to the first interview but haven't heard back for all week, so I guess I did not get through. Other hasn't replied. Eh, fine. They were too good to work out. It's me, everything's supposed to go to hell. I agonize and have anxiety over not having a job, I agonize and have anxiety over MAYBE getting a job. See why I'm absolutely tired of this shit of a life we are stuck in.
Friends did come together for us when I asked if they could donate some money for a drawing pad. Well, we got the amount. And -two- friends sent us their old drawing pads they don't use anymore. We've tested the first that came in last week. Works like a charm. Another is coming from Thailand so it's gonna take a while. Jenni's Christmas/birthday present. We are mainly traditional artists and crafters, but some things are easier with a drawing pad. It was fun.
My next cause of anxiety is the fucking report I had to do of my "business" of selling little shit on Etsy. That could land me in a lot of trouble with a lot of things and as much as I love doing it and giving people what they might need... I... Sometimes I think what's the use doing anything online... But the things we do... it's mainly for our enjoyment... we share shit for a few friends to see... I shouldn't take pressures for it... After Pohjantähti-opisto, my mental state has crumbled like a damn cookie.
My therapy is on Monday. Couldn't be sooner... but it's in a whole new place and going to new places alone gives me anxiety. Jenni has a dentist at the exact same time. I feel... hopeless right now and scared. Part of me wishes I could just be a child again and curl up onto granny's lap.
Speaking of, she has Alzheimer's. She's... well, she hasn't really gone worse, but she isn't going better either. I feel guilty for wanting to be elsewhere, when I should be helping gramps with her... Even though she told me, when she was still lucid, that it's not my responsibility to look after them, that I'm allowed to have a life of my own. But my dad can't help. Who else would... look after them?
So, mentally, I'm in a limbo. Financially, we are still in a limbo. I'm an absolute wreck. I've just focused on comics again, should do other things as well... I... I need to set myself work times I guess.
It's been a while and boy has it been a roller coaster. Pohjantähti-opisto went well. Smoothly I'd say. I loved it. Trying to learn new skills, relaxed environment, people appreciating what I did.
Then my contract ended. Ok, spent the summer chilling, then started doing the mandatory job applications. Two places said yes. Lidl across the street, a fast paced store with a lot of stuff, but a good training. And a fabric store. They hired us on the spot.
I was already anxious about it and the week we started, I couldn't sleep. I had turned Lidl down to choose my own field. I regret a lot of things.
Found out surprisingly fast paced, well established store where you know decently only half of the merchandise (and my knowledge was quite outdated with some yarns) and that kicked me in the guts. I couldn't sleep well, I could barely eat. Was told I was bad at cleaning, not a perfectionist enough (my coworker had barely time to tell me what to do properly) and I had to learn about the fabrics super fast or I'd be no help. Those struck deep and I just imploded mentally. I cried after both 7 hour workdays before I even made it to the car. Everyone was shocked, wife, me, family, friends.
I found out the word for what I'm prone to: catastrophizing. Overthinking and expecting the worst and that, combined with stress, low self-confidence, almost constant self-criticism and loathing, very little sleep and anxiety over new things and I went into the deep end. I had a panic attack. I tried getting myself a sick leave, but the boss called before that, already upset my wife was off for another day due to a removed tooth. I said I might be able to come, but I just had a panic attack. She got upset more and said what use are we if we are gonna be on sick leave constantly and said it better she undoes our contracts.
Turns out, she mixed us up again, most likely, as it was my wife, who got fired. I assumed it meant both of us and had a breakdown again. I quit later that day, with 2 days of sick leave. I think I'm in trouble with the unemployment office. The monetary support ban is 30 or 45 days in these cases. I hope...
I could have handled it better. Had I gotten proper sleep, most likely, I'd still be fine and working. Everything just piled up and overreactions galore. I know this is what if -ing, but I'm more clear headed after few nights of good sleep. My appetite isn't what it was, but it's slowly returning. I'm trying to organize my thoughts and what the hell happened.
I did get myself mental help. I seem calm now, but this is my life. A crying, sobbing, depressed mess one day, cool as a cucumber, functional adult the next. This can't continue. I asked for help to go through my whole life, to help me start changing the inner monologue and how I deal with things. I can't keep freaking out to the point of hysterical tears over things changing or making a small mistake. I simply hit the panic button, when I should have let the others cool me down and just get up and go and keep doing my best, even if it didn't seem to be good enough. What more could be asked from me?
This has me sort of anxious but also embarrassed and disappointed to the level I wonder am I even welcome to stay in this city. Which is stupid thinking. Yes, I fucked up. There are people in this town who have fucked up more. Way more. Maybe I'll do my best doing what I already do, at my own pace.
I got flashbacks to the other job I completely fucked up in and that was telemarketing. My now sadly former boss had been a telemarketer, a door to door saleswoman before that. Absolute iron lady. Freshly turned 70. Too fast for me =D I don't want to bear ill will towards her. I fucked up. If I could turn back the last month (August), I would. It hadn't been an easy month. Hell, this whole year has been a rough one. I think nobody has had a good two or so years recently.
Where it always boils down why I start melting down? Looking at our shit finances. I regret every goddamn purchase we've made. My savings are drained. My grandpa was right, I shouldn't have touched them. Oh well, I just need to sell more doll stuff. I think. I need to do better. As a person. As an adult. I thought I had this in the bag, but nope, there was a hole in the bag and now everything's a mess.
I have first therapy session in Turvapoiju next Monday. The proper psychiatric sessions start at the end of next month. I need to start probably using this more often as an outlet. Nobody really reads this, but at least to get it off my chest and if someone who finds it finds help from it or is in the same space, you can drop a line.
Well, that includes the new inner workings of Blogger (I keep accidentally writing blooger, lol) and the situation outside our home.
Sure, trumpster fire finally being doused is good, but I mean the goddamn virus.
Don't want to really go into stores, but have to, don't want to meet people, thankfully my things are always progressing slowly, so I can actually focus on things that matter to me. There are available jobs, but like hell I'm suitable for them and seriously, right now, I don't want to risk my health. I don't want even a regular cold, let alone THAT. So no thanks for meeting people. Besides, starting a couple of web courses on light entrepreneurship. Jesus what a monstrosity of a word. I could have signed up for more, but I have NaNoWriMo to win.
They kept hounding me to go and test out if I have ADHD and it's bothering me and giving me anger and anxiety. Anger for pressuring me to it and also making me doubt myself again, when I was finally actually feeling rather good. Anxiety over that it will destroy what I think of myself and making it even harder in this impossible situation to find a job. I just want to be left alone, I try to see if I can handle being a seller of jewelry and miniatures, while seeing is there anything simple enough in the job market for me to do.
For ages I've felt like I'm not good for anything and it bothers me like hell. Sure, I might take some things personally, but seriously. When you can land just few months of work every other year, it eats your credibility but also yourself. To me, wanting me to go there is an insult to what I am. Sure, I talk a mile a minute, but so does everyone in my family. I am sometimes restless, well who the fuck isn't? I can swap my attention really quickly, surely a talent. I can focus on what I want very intensely, so? Everyone does that on a subject they like. I find the requests to go to a test really insulting and degrading. Insulting to my person and degrading to my mental capacities. I'm me. Deal with it.
I haven't yet blasted it to everyone but I will be putting up a fight this time. I'm done doing shit I don't want and need because other people think it's good for me, when I know it isn't.
This song... it's called out to me for years. It still does. I've never fit in and these motherfuckers better buckle up because I'll be ME until the day I die.
One thing I've noticed ever since growing up. As a kid, you're all 'I'm gonna have so much fun when I'm adult'. Nah, the fun ends when you're adult. You're not allowed to have fun anymore.
Most likely, your slogan will be :
"At least the rent and bills are paid."
That applies to us. I'm supposed to do my utmost best with all that I have in the fridge and freezer... I'm guessing a whooooooooole lot of brown sauce with very little meat... Can I have a nervous breakdown now?
Money goes in a day. What little you get. We are also just waiting on everybody else to get shit done that we can't do ourselves... It's emotionally draining, you'll never be happy as an adult, it seems. Just small, short sparkles of light, otherwise it's a swamp that is slowly sucking you in in the middle of the night.
I'm still rather windswept with everything that happened. Am now a moderator of a doll group, thanks to my ability to detach my emotions from people rather easily. Not from objects. People always come and go, they change or die, but some objects just never leave my life. I couldn't leave my piano behind, so there is an example for ya. Or that I cannot part from the dolls that are most dear to me.
Anyways, still waiting for new cabinets so we can finally, after 2 years, to start organizing and finally finish the doll room and our "atelier". Let's see is September a bit better and do we dare to hope. It's almost time for the Border Pride and the International Food Market again. I just NEED to get Strüdels from the Austrian booth, they are too good. I always take small slices for myself so I can have it last longer. Blueberry quark is my absolute favorite. Been also baking a lot of blueberry cookies myself, just yummy. Those and tea and of course, apple pie are the staples of fall.
Fall did arrive rather fast, I think. The summer seemed to end as soon as we were leaving for our hometown for a vacation and it has been pouring rain, finally. It's been so dry here (my home village still hasn't gotten much rain, yikes) that the ash bin the workers downstairs use caught fire the very same day we had come back. Of course, the guy just dragged it away from the wood-metal combo doors (we could have gotten trapped!) and between our cars, mine had just gotten the underside oiled! I was the one to go and pour water into that bin and douse it before it could really catch fire instead of billow smoke like a steamer. I had to air out our atelier and staircase. I did manage to tell the workers what happened after their day ended and they swore they always made sure it was properly out, but the new trainee didn't. I'm sure he got an earful.
That wasn't overly good rest of the Monday. Anyways, I've managed to order Apoxie Sculpt and Army Painter spray sealant for doll projects, but I haven't gotten a chance to use the latter yet, it's not such a good idea to use in wet conditions and it's been pouring almost every other day. With Apoxie, I've practiced fixing necks and making dolls some bigger boobs and a prosthetic leg.
I'm still going to do something with the hair and the leg, but so far, it does look good. Almost as good as the Mattel's one.
I think they enlarge when you click. Working on the colors, she's a quirky one and I think she'd go with her fave team's old colors.
Anyways. Been writing and modifying dolls, the only two things I actually have any passion for. The vacay did wreck my 39-day streak for Duolingo, but I'm getting back on track again, making myself a schedule to bounce between Japanese, Russian and Spanish. Also should move more, I'm not losing weight by not eating. I'm too lazy to cook and I don't know many recipes. I'm fed up with almost everything I make. And I'm picky. We got some food items from the Finnish Red Cross' food distribution for the needy. Problem is... Now I have things in our fridge I have no idea where to use them. Should probs make the Thai soup I traded with a friend for some things we just couldn't get down. I still don't have many ingredients to make anything new.
I'm in trouble, somebody should probs come and overhaul the whole kitchen and teach me new foods. I keep staring at the cabinet and fridge and freezer and just want to cry because I don't want any of what I see. Hence I was really hungry and cold last night and went to bed hungry.
My dad was a chef, he never taught me anything in the kitchen. Granny never taught me how to cook, but she did teach me how to bake. I am still able to burn potatoes and porridges. ...hey... I could make porridge. Shit, just need to put the dishwasher on to get the pots back.
I should probably beat the lyrics into my head and never forget them. Honestly. She hits a point with this and no wonder it has become sort of an anthem.
Yes, I'm not "normal" as the people with a black-and-white mindset would put it. I'm a fucking lesbian. I am rough, tomboyish and I have a truck license, I swear a lot, but if I'm called a truck-lesbian, I'm punching. Or kicking. I'm more... demisexual, I don't necessarily feel too attracted to other people, some celebs get my engines revving, for a couple of months until I'm just meh, they are good looking. I'd rather just write raunchy shite of them. =D That's what I do.
I'm not a simple person personality-wise. I think. How the hell should I know? I just exist, not thinking of myself much. Not many deem me irreplaceable. One person at least. That's all that matters to me, but outside our home, that's when it does matter who else thinks I'm too important to lose. I dunno how many think that way, nobody says it to my face really. At least according to my shoddy memory.
I'm not sure is the category right still, but since people just LOVE sticking labels to things... *shrug* Whatever floats yer boat.
That's when it curves to myself again. How I see myself. How I literally see myself. I don't see myself much different from when I was 15 or something, I still feel the same. Just someone who can slip through the crowd and vanish without anybody noticing. I've liked different clothes as a kid, but I always got ruthlessly bullied because of them later, so granny told me that I should tell them what is the current style people are wearing at school, so they can buy me clothes more like theirs. In the end, I didn't give a shit. I wore whatever I pulled from my closet of people brought me. Unless they were toe-socks. I hated them. Felt like my toes had no circulation. Fuck that was a nasty phase in fashion, faded soon though. Phew.
I did always feel like I couldn't wear anything without getting shit. Whether it was a cozy Minnie Mouse black and magenta hoodie (took up wearing a fleece vest over it) or full pink almost matching pants and shirt, yellow woolly socks I partially made myself, burgundy winter boots (two different pairs, I had scraps of food, broken forks, and spoons in them or they were held hostage and tossed outside or around the school by complete strangers)... the list goes on... I tried to be normal and I got shit, I wore something I liked and got shit.
You don't walk away from that without issues. I'd probably still need a rage room, you can rent it for a small fee and are given a baseball bat to just destroy everything to vent out the rage. I need that. I'm not even kidding. All former classmates still deserve a fist in the face.
I've always been called fat. School nurse put me on a diet in elementary. Granny was pissed. Who fucking counts how many slices of sausage or cheese you can put on your bread and how many glasses of milk you can drink as a kid?! I have granny's body type and she sadly did tell me that and to stop dreaming of losing weight, when I was really trying and I needed support. I took a habit of sucking in my stomach after I was mistaken to be pregnant by one Chinese restaurant owner. I only went there once after that, shame, they had dumplings. The only place that makes dumplings.
My junior high classmate, who was alright, a bit too rough sometimes even from my point of view, once told me of what she thought when she first saw me. She had thought that "there's a girl who'd be really beautiful if she only took care of her looks." I've tried caring for my looks, but what for really? If I blend in the crowd with uncombed hair and hand-me-down clothes and don't get bullied for it, sign me up.
I liked the princess dresses as a kid, but it got embarrassing over the years. I never saw myself cute, despite what people said. I have a handful of pictures as an adult that I can actually look at and not cringe. I can't look at the wedding photos. I saw one and I just wanted to delete them all. I never realized I was so fat. I didn't pay attention to my figure, just keeping myself from freaking out over the fact I was in the spotlight with her.
I just can't look at the pictures. I can't. I hate my double chin, my belly, my thick thighs, I don't mind my big ass, though I keep knocking everything off with it as I try to sneak past. I rather wear black and baggy to hide myself. During summer, I wear lighter clothes, but even then, it's a struggle. I have days when I can wear anything and not care, then there are days I try to doll up and then just... not go...
Ugh, body positivity. Sure, it can help, young people need better role models, to know it's ok to be what you are, but... To me, it's just sure, rub it in. I am like this, but I don't' want to be like this, but there's fucking nothing I can do. I can't keep up habits long enough for my routines (what little I have, actually none...) to change permanently. I don't have that motivation. Wow, here it is again. Motivation. I don't have much of it.
Why I can't function like a regular human being?! Look at the mirror and smile at the reflection. All I see is somebody who should get her shit together. Somebody who shouldn't go out in the public at all for the sake of sparing them of nightmares. Sometimes I just... sit and wonder how can somebody love me despite being like this, I don't understand it. I know love doesn't care about looks and so what if she looks what she looks? I love her. She says the same. ...I just don't love myself. Opposite of love isn't hate, but ignorance. Now that is what I mostly feel towards myself. So what. I didn't have the best of role models as a kid, no matter which way you tilt your head, I think it all stems from there. I was often humiliated in front of people, I still have huge difficulties to go in front of people. It causes me anxiety.
I do have some form of panic disorder or anxiety disorder. At some points, it does hinder my life. I can't up and go to the archery club anymore. I felt so inferior there it wasn't even funny and all the attention on how we were doing was insane...
I can't listen to my own voice without feeling humiliated by how it sounds. I can listen through my videos once or twice, then post them, but never listen to them myself again. Or listen to somebody listen to them. I wanted to become a voice actor, but I don't have enough talent and guts for that.
I was asked to give my name and my parents' names in to microphone as a kid. I wasn't really told of my whole fucked up family situation then and I called my granny -mom-. Who else, she was only mother figure I fucking had! Easy for you lucky shits with both parents! Everybody was staring at me and I managed to stammer something, but it was humiliating. I didn't remember my granny's name and I was so confused. I'd still love to stick a knife to the teacher's throat for that and bomb the whole room. All the smiles ever since have felt like a mockery. All nice words I've gotten have always turned out to be lies. I don't really trust kind words, because they are always a mask to me. It's easy for me to lie in people's faces for that. Hide. Hide fucking everything.
Why people always humiliate me? Pick on me? What the fuck is wrong with me and you?! Why me?! What the everloving fuck have I ever done to you?!
If one could get away with murder, I'd have a long trail of bodies behind me. And all my inner demons would be silenced forever. Well, one can dream. At least it's free, even though I don't really dream anymore, what's the use really? You'll just get disappointed when the dream ends. Life just fucking loves shitting in the fan. Getting just really tired and fed up with all the shit.
Been too long since I've written here, to be honest. I know there's probably nobody reading, but... Oh well... At least I get things off my chest.
I've been with Kela's Nuotti rehabilitation program for some time now, once a month for 2 hours with the coach. Mostly been with me talking, but I've got some goals set up towards getting some structure for my weeks. I don't want to just float around anymore.
When I look in the mirror, I see the same 15-yo girl who didn't want to go anywhere, because there was nowhere to go. I'm just fatter and look more tired. I guess that's because I'm 28 now. I look back and I've come far. I'm happily hitched, two cats, rented apartment and a hobby.
That's where I start to see differences. I look around. Some have illnesses and they cope with them, some are just as hopelessly unemployed as I am and some have jobs and steady income that doesn't evaporate 12hrs after it's been deposited in their accounts. What have I achieved in the eyes of others?
I'd say nothing. Sure, some people have it worse, but I feel like a failure for not being able to help the person closest to me. For not being good enough or confident enough to get a job. To support that way. What I'd like to have? A job that I can stand and feel it's worth getting my ass up and out. A pay that I don't have to count every cent of can we get groceries and cat food and litter plus the bills and rent and last until the next pay...
Life likes to throw wrenches at me like Ratchet, with too great of accuracy for my taste. We had savings and our computers broke. I had money and the car repairs were way over what money I got monthly. The second repairs drained the savings again. I'm tired of penny-pinching. The stress is putting a huge strain on me.
I know people would say get a fucking job. It is easier said than done. Right now, Finland does have more jobless people than workplaces open, but compatibility... You can't stuff a ball through a square-shaped hole, you know, we all tried as a kid, I bet.
I might see a job that would be interesting and I'm actually thinking of it, until few hours later, I realize I wouldn't be good at it. I'm afraid.
Afraid of being a failure.
I'm afraid of failing.
Few times I've tried my best, only to fail and get told that it wasn't the right way. I can't handle it. Go ahead, you can criticize my art, I know I'm not good at it, but I like doing it and I try, but god... whatever else I do and it tears me apart.
Thrice in Lankava I just wanted to drop everything and walk out, never to return. I fucking tried!
Almost every other day, I just wanted to drop everything and hop in my car and drive away from Powerpark. The register was just too complex for me and I couldn't grasp the details even after the whole season.
Few times I just wanted to sit and cry in the grass when doing park maintenance, I don't know shit about taking care of flowers or anything, I was tossed in and had to hit the ground running.
In the Children's Culture Center, I was so underqualified I'm amazed why they hired me? How bad was the other applicant that showed up?! I was completely lost with everything and just... flopped around like a fish out of water.
At the call center, that's where I broke the first time from getting chewed out by an angry customer for my mistake. The place wasn't really good, but it broke me. It simply broke me. I can barely call anyplace nor keep my shit together if my old mistakes are brought out. I wish I could thank the Swedish coworker who tried to console me. That job wasn't worth it.
People make mistakes and I am always aware of them, but I'd love to just rave at everyone's face that I'm trying, don't tell me where I went wrong. I am trying my fucking hardest.
I don't really try anymore. Not so people can see. I don't want to hear about my mistakes. I've made them and will continue to make. I just want to forget they ever happened. I know I'm trying to shut the world out. Shut the negativity out. It's just... it's like trying to block one of the nozzles in a fountain.
Why try when you know it's going to blow up in my face?
Why bother?
Why should I go to be the spitoon?
I don't have the answers for those. I wish somebody had. Go through that shit for money isn't what I wish for, but I tend to live in dreamland. None of you probably wonder why if you read my other slice of life shits.
This is my darkness. This is something not even my imaginary friends can save me from. I know I should just... grow the hard skin back now that it has been peeled off. I guess the shit was easier to take from the family in the form of always-broken promises, but it's the same shit that life keeps giving me, so it cannot be that either.
Sometimes I feel like the whole world could burn and I don't care. Other times I just... want to be someone people can trust. That people would trust me and look at me with a smile, with no lies to me.
...see why I don't really even apply for jobs? Why I see the psychotherapist and am in a rehabilitation program? I might look like a well-functioning 28-yo adult. Yet inside, I'm still that confused and broken, angry teen who just resigned to fate and was planning to be a bum under the bridge.
I was exhausted of expectations from everyone and fighting their visions by the time I was 20. I've tried to get a job and enjoy it, do it to my best abilities, but not being good enough. There's only one person who thinks I'm good enough and we live together. I'd probs be still holed up in that tiny village and write stories on the computer in the upstairs of my grandparents, in my childhood home. Without her, I'd be nothing.
Now I'm a wife and a cat mom. A doll modifier. A jewelry maker. A shy writer. None of that pays, but it keeps me alive and sane. If I was ever sane in the first place. I dunno. I've never been like others. I've never known how to do things others do.
Getting a job is a hurdle. Not really my fault either, the job markets are utter crap here. You'd need a million-dollar idea to become an entrepreneur. And you need those fucking million dollars to start that cycle of crap. I just want financial stability. It is just pure impossibility really... At least dreams are free.
I don't like to dream either, they just remind me what I don't have. Money. From a job.
I'm on the road to getting shit done per week, that is one step. I'd just need more help with my mind than can be provided freely. I can't go back either. My hometown is my personal nightmare for me. All the past bad memories flood me. I'm not going back to live, not until I'm better.
If I'm ever getting better.
One thing I have stopped dreaming about completely though. Losing weight. Granny told me I was never gonna lose weight since I had her body type. Well, she is right. Do I hate my body? Yeah, duh, you are lucky you haven't seen it. What do I do about it? Nothing. Nothing's gonna change anyway. My ass and thighs are never fitting in any nice clothes and my gut makes me look preggers, so I just wear oversized clothes. I'm done caring. If she still wants to wake up every morning next to me, even if I'm like this, so be it =) I'm very much fine with it. I don't care really about myself in physical sense.
I know it shows. One classmate said that the first time she saw me, she had thought that I'd be pretty if I just looked after myself. I never trusted her again, even if she promised to help defend me against rumors. Let them talk if it's their only hobby. In that town, it is the only thing to do. Gossip on others.
I did look around the other day, seeing all these things we've collected but never seem to have time for them and I felt sad. We've put so much love and effort into them. Then what? When we're gone? Who cares of them? Who is there to read their stories? I'm almost tempted to embark in that journey next November. To give them all a voice. Starting from my old imaginary friends. Somebody should hear their stories. Fanfiction-y and impossible they are, but it's our DollWorld. Our stories.
Maybe I should. I don't want this all to go to waste.
Ok, maybe the rant is over. I've unloaded a lot off my chest. Some might call this just attention whoring. It's not, since it's not on IG or Twitter or FB. I'm the type who needs to get things off my mind and out on paper or in digital form. Then I feel better.
A lot has changed and I miss the old times. When I was 15. This new world is harsh and cruel and twisted. Maybe that's the reason for Selenia to exist. It's a safe haven for us. A place where everything is well. It's in this doll room and in our minds and in our word docs. It's in our dreams.
I'm 28. I don't have a job. I love dealing with fashion dolls and handcrafts. I love music, heavy metal in particular. I wish I could turn one of my hobbies into a business, but I know I'm not good enough. I know I'm lazy, but that could also be me being... tired. Tired of failing. Tired of being scared.
Three stints through school at a week-long "Work Experience Tryout" and they were at two different local stores and my old elementary (gawd, nightmare trips all of them!). They proved I'm most comfortable doing something under somebody's supervision, assisted, but with only one other person. That's what I've found out. And that I don't always think clearly. Not when nervous. Which is most of the time.
I didn't want to go to do a summer job, everyone else did, it was almost a scandal I was the only one in our village who hadn't been working summertime in the village cemetery. My grandparents let me chill the summer, take it easy and load batteries. They said after a school year, time off is a good thing. Besides, I never went anywhere beyond hopping on my bicycle and hitting the neighborhood, and later, not even that. So I was at home. All the time. I never went anywhere. I had my own shit. Though the paranoia caused by a former classmate spying on me left me unable to go outside for years, so that did cause the isolation as well.
Anyway, I digress. Next job was after I simply got fed up with studying after the semi-fiasco that was Joutseno... I simply crashed and burned. I had also tried phone sales and lasted a week, berry picking just destroyed my knees and the owner's wife and father were horrible to be around with. Few days only.
I was thrust into a personal service through the employment office, who got me to 6 months in a youth workshop. I first was nervous about it, then, liked it, then, ended up absolutely hating it. I also got some arguments in there, was sent to see a shrink (that led simply nowhere except the fact I had depression, had known that since junior high, that place changes people into monsters) and luckily I got to apply to art schools. Two of them I did get the entry to but chose Lappia Vocational College. It was crap as well. A trainwreck of a school.
Before that, I had my second most difficult job ever. Amusement park ticket cashier. Oh sweet bejesus! Only people not enjoying that place has to be those who sell the tickets. I can't go to details, but I couldn't handle the pressure. Even until the last day, I couldn't grasp the details and fumbled with the register, which was old fashioned, but still, gawd, it was horrid. I like going to the place and I have sympathy to everyone who starts as a cashier, it ain't simple.
Through Lappia I had to go and get a month's work practice place. The local weaver didn't reply or seem keen into taking a free worker, so I just called up my birth town's yarn store and was instantly taken in for the month. Hard, yes, did I blunder there too? YES. I never seem to do things right even after directions, which did hammer me down for weeks and left me with fear of failing so crippling I just can't. I liked it and visit the place, purchase stuff, but still...
I would have probably gotten to work in the local Chinese restaurant, I was good friends with the owners, but we moved and soon, they quit. I'm still rather bummed out, the owner would have taken me in right away. But I needed to get away from the town. I still have difficulties being there.
When I got to Sea-Lapland, I was pointed towards the free vacancy and appointed a place as a temp for Children's Culture and Art Center. 3 and a half months. Well... I was the one they picked, I was also hilariously underqualified for the job that I was simply dropped into. I had no idea what to do and was just fumbling around, barely managing to keep it together with the kindergarten groups that I had to help manage and run craft classes. Not really popular ideas I seemed to have and I just... I learned one thing, I don't want to deal with kids. I seemed to be a child magnet growing up and maybe still a bit too, but I don't like them the least bit. They couldn't have picked the worse worker than me. Out of three of us, one never showed up and the other... well she couldn't have been worse than me!
I don't remember how long was I without a job, when I was put into the care of employment office through the city and managed to score a place for 8 months, my longest yet, with the city's park maintenance unit. It was... a double-edged sword, it caused (and nearly broke my knees and back) my significant other's fibromyalgia to manifest and was full of friendships drama, but at least two good friends came out of it. There were days when I absolutely hated it (not a morning person and idiots make my blood boil) but also fun and an interesting job at times. Helped me know the city better.
Been unemployed for a year now, I pretty much shot myself in the leg with my anxiety as I didn't sign up with YTK sooner, so I didn't get their support (18 fucking hours!), but the government's, which fluctuates nowadays, thanks to the "Active Form", which means if there's no job or any courses checked up, I get reduced unemployment support and that just destroyed the last remnants of my sanity.
I've been almost to the brink of a total meltdown at least twice a month since I've been unemployed, struggling with money and not able to find a job I know I can do. I have tried asking the park maintenance do they want me back to the watering unit, but nothing yet, I'd have almost 4 months of the supported pay left, so they wouldn't need to pay me, but... I've also applied for housing support, which we are getting and living support, though I'm still waiting for that decision, do I even get it.
I'm a total wreck, left at everybody's mercy. Broke and Broken. I'm not even good enough to hire and nobody is really interested of my art or jewelry. I haven't felt this insignificant in years. Honestly.
My job left me really confused about things and back to normal income is tricky. Real tricky. Plenty of moneyholes, mainly the bills and the car, the recently changed brakes keep helluva racket.
Had a friend over from Hamburg and after that extended weekend, felt like nothing would be the same afterwards. We miss her quite a deal and I think she would have stayed here forever. Kemi has that effect on people.
Our cleaned up apartment has actually stayed relatively clean for a surprising long time, maybe thanks to the Olympic Games, we spent the nights watching sports and slept the days. Now that it's over, we're trying to get our sleep pattern to the levels of a normal person. Not going that well, our The Sims 2 cheat and play spree is hindering that. Not that I regret it tho.
Currently I'm running on short nap I just took, should go to the Arctic Comics Center to see what could be brought into the display considering our works. I have one big WIP waiting for finishing touches and then I need to dig up all the old ones that I have with me. I can even get some fabric works into there, Shame that the The Final Rise is at home and medieval banner is still WIP... And my circlets are at home. Maybe some barbie dresses would be great.
My shins are killing me right now, I mean, they are constantly like on edge of cramping and that just sucks donkey balls.
We were supposed to have several friends and relatives visiting, in the end, just one friend visiting.
Just great, but what did I expect, a work mate is coughing her lungs out, I've been surrounded by kids 3 days a week, one just sneezed right in front of me... I've been cold for days, but then again, it's been quite cold recently and I've been switching jackets... should have stuck with the winter coat still.
Haven't gotten overly much sleep during work days and been almost nodding off at work during quiet afternoons. Right now I put on some Vicks, trying to stay awake. My thighs actually hurt a bit. Thank god friend promised us a sauna, pancake and tea later today. It'll hit the spot.
Been rather busy, had visitors, had to clean up, been expanding DoWo as much as I can, should probs clear the dish mountain a bit, at least the baking tools. Made mocha pie. It's just a pan with chocolate mocha frosting. Put some dark chocolate on top of it. Now I'm just thinking did I put too much coffee in it.
Job interview tomorrow. At first I was erroneously let know that it'd be on next month, then I got a call, "oh it was supposed to be yesterday", so they moved it to Friday. Then they called me on Friday and moved it on Monday. I'm nervous, but my biggest worry is, will it pay more than Kela pays to me. We are very dependent on Kela, when our winter rent is 450€ with the car heating. Sure, it's only like... 3½ months, but... Only three were invited, I was one of them. At the Lasten Kulttuurikeskus, something to do with kids. I'm a kid magnet, I'm just not the biggest kid person around. Left to be seen.
I completed the workouts for today, also baked some cocoa-matcha muffins, called for a dentist, cleared out the clutter in my computer a bit... Also my cat came to sleep next to me this morning, when I finally came to bed. I loved it, he purred me to sleep <3
Anyways, my desktop has had a myriad of problems, since it has W8.... Yesterday it went to BIOS all of a sudden and a skype video calls crashes skype completely. I've also tried to download the updates for over a year, but it keeps failing. I contacted the PC repair nearby and he suggested I take care I save all the important stuff and get W7 back to it. Yea, agreed. Sure, W8 has it's perks, I fell in love with OneNote, but it's only one of the pros, the others being the quick startup and the hella stylish lock screen. W7 is steady, simple and did I mention reliable? Sure, this laptop can be a bitch, but right now, it's the second best computer in the house, best being my gramps'.
I just need to save the game files, I mean, I did hella lot of work on The Sims 2 and Neighbors from Hell, the latter is a game duo I can go through again, but The Sims 2 is a whole 'nother story. Maybe I could just... try to save the Selenia neighborhood I've created.
*sigh* It's nice outside and I should go out, but I just completed workouts and they have my legs a little... spaghetti'sh. Sure, I have lots of crocheting to do, but my fingers still protest last night, considering carpet is a heavy work. Especially the type of rag I'm using...
I hope I can... get my photos organized... They and music take a shit ton of space. Maybe I'll just put on some anime and sort through the photos. Not Samurai Champloo tho, it has 26 episodes, I only found 20 on the DVDs and I completely pissed off with the episode 16... I'm not too much into hiphop and the Japanese rapper trio was just the last straw...
My jogging views are boring, tho it's a lot greener now...
Well, found a new hobby, that is actually good for losing weight. Cassie Ho's POP pilates. It's fun and she's very positive. I need a lot support for this and someone to do it with me, but so far, it's not going that strong. I'm doing it alone and try my darnest to get rid of the junk food. I try. But as I know from my past, me trying my hardest is never even half of being enough. I've shed only 1½kg so far, but it's a start.
Completed a puzzle last night, it was one of the hardest I've ever done, it's tempting to start the metallic puzzle again, THAT is also hella hard, since the light needs to come in a certain angle OR I can't see anything but a metallic sheen.
Coral Reef Panorama, 1000 pieces.
I also managed to get my room in half a shape, but with visitors and all, I'm have to gather shit from downstairs and put it anywhere I can, so my room is cluttered AGAIN. I'm getting really frustrated with living here, but I can't get a fucking job so I don't need to put up with them 24/7. This ain't the most recent photo either, but oh well.
Surely an interesting day. Myself, I've been sitting at my laptop the whole day, working on a draft for the final work's literal part. I still don't understand why WE need to send it to the Finnish teacher while the tour guides didn't, but oh well. I can manage to write the official form easily enough and I can make it so that the Finnish teacher won't understand. I'm gonna give them hell.
She's sick. I want her to be able to continue her work, but so far, it's not looking good. I'm kinda thinking is it because she hates her work, that makes her sick when she's supposed to go to school, but I don't know. I just don't like watching her being sick. While I'm sick and tired of this whole ordeal and I can't skip.
We had snow here for a little over a week, now there is rather warm, 4,4C and it's all melting away. It's slippery as hell, the whole school area is covered in clear ice. I love snow, so this is a big hit to my mood, now everything will be black again and I don't like that. Can I move somewhere shit cold?
I don't know of the current condition of my depression, there are times when I scare myself with my dark thoughts, but then again, I'm a writer with a wild imagination. I torture people in my songs and stories to vent out all the issues within me.
Right now I could do with a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows on top of it. I feel kinda miserable with my runny nose. I'm also quite tired, since we accidentally stayed up late and after we turned in, my thighs were still hurting. I've been doing computer work for weeks now and my back and legs don't approve, but I can't really go outside with that slick ice. Also, it's too wet out there. Now I'm depressing myself. Marvelous. And my back hurts right now.
The only song from that shit of an album I can actually tolerate.
Anyway, I have a lot of shit to do, mostly the school stuff, but also commissions, the whole situation is draining me.
So... I sent audition video for The Voice of Finland. I sang Hunting High and Low, though in the end, I sung Malja much better. About that song...
I sung this today as I was hanging up the laundry and the few Forestry guys were sitting nearby and complimented the song, maybe even my singing, I didn't hear them over Jani and myself.
What else... Oh yesssss. We have a cat now. We cannot keep him in the dorm, so a friend is housing him. He's about 2-years old and a complete lapcat. Yellow eyes, otherwise he is pitch black. Such a playful charmer.
Kyösti (Goldeneye) is such a pretty boy <3 Here he is in our friend's lap in my car. He checked my car for mice XD
Aaaaaand theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen... I'm writing more fanfiction. I improved Winterheart's Guild, which became my flagship, my best fic so far. I'm making a sequel for it and made a major breakthrough just now. And found two new bands in the process. For My Pain... and Reflexion. Oh lord that singer. Wonderful voice and the most feminine looks I've ever seen on a guy. Juha Kylmänen is his name.
Been busy, moving in and settling down. And starting school. This was quite interesting. We've gotten settled to the B4 easily enough, despite we have only one key, which I keep, since I have more flexible classes. Works out pretty fine and if I work late or go to the band room, she gets the key from me.
I finished my harnesk weaves. Or rather, attached them to the backboards. And redid them the next day. I had mismeasured and halfassed the attaching, but right now, after half an inch was sawed off from every side. Except the biggest, which I managed to nail at the first try.
Work is piling up on me right now. Next project is gonna be wristbands with miniature looms I borrowed. I love it, seriously. Then the carpet. Tiger carpet. And fix jeans. Tomorrow, we start dyeing wool yarn. It's gonna be interesting. We do various odd jobs while at it and my other half and I are gonna go see Kaamea Rangaistus, which is a band formed by police from Tornio. This is gonna be awesome.
Well, I'm gonna update more later, my friend is gonna either bite me or drag me by the scruff of my neck to the school lunch. I have no choice XD
Tomorrow, it's time to visit my tolerable half sister. We both hate kids, so we do get along. We have two route options. Either via Lappajärvi, or Kauhava.
Overslept it today, as usual. The dream was weird though. Now, I don't know what to do, well get rid of my hiccup first, but... Grr...
