Jesus Christ. I just can't take this shit anymore.
I've been on suspension from my unemployment support until yesterday. Everything's fucked up. At least the bills and rent should be covered. I regret everything. I can't deal with reality right now... I did reapply to the unemployment support yesterday, dunno did I do it too early, I don't understand the jargon they use very well.
Heck, I don't understand anything. I applied to two more jobs, even though mentally, I'm NOT in the right space for them. Well, I got to the first interview but haven't heard back for all week, so I guess I did not get through. Other hasn't replied. Eh, fine. They were too good to work out. It's me, everything's supposed to go to hell. I agonize and have anxiety over not having a job, I agonize and have anxiety over MAYBE getting a job. See why I'm absolutely tired of this shit of a life we are stuck in.
Friends did come together for us when I asked if they could donate some money for a drawing pad. Well, we got the amount. And -two- friends sent us their old drawing pads they don't use anymore. We've tested the first that came in last week. Works like a charm. Another is coming from Thailand so it's gonna take a while. Jenni's Christmas/birthday present. We are mainly traditional artists and crafters, but some things are easier with a drawing pad. It was fun.
My next cause of anxiety is the fucking report I had to do of my "business" of selling little shit on Etsy. That could land me in a lot of trouble with a lot of things and as much as I love doing it and giving people what they might need... I... Sometimes I think what's the use doing anything online... But the things we do... it's mainly for our enjoyment... we share shit for a few friends to see... I shouldn't take pressures for it... After Pohjantähti-opisto, my mental state has crumbled like a damn cookie.
My therapy is on Monday. Couldn't be sooner... but it's in a whole new place and going to new places alone gives me anxiety. Jenni has a dentist at the exact same time. I feel... hopeless right now and scared. Part of me wishes I could just be a child again and curl up onto granny's lap.
Speaking of, she has Alzheimer's. She's... well, she hasn't really gone worse, but she isn't going better either. I feel guilty for wanting to be elsewhere, when I should be helping gramps with her... Even though she told me, when she was still lucid, that it's not my responsibility to look after them, that I'm allowed to have a life of my own. But my dad can't help. Who else would... look after them?
So, mentally, I'm in a limbo. Financially, we are still in a limbo. I'm an absolute wreck. I've just focused on comics again, should do other things as well... I... I need to set myself work times I guess.
It's been a while and boy has it been a roller coaster. Pohjantähti-opisto went well. Smoothly I'd say. I loved it. Trying to learn new skills, relaxed environment, people appreciating what I did.
Then my contract ended. Ok, spent the summer chilling, then started doing the mandatory job applications. Two places said yes. Lidl across the street, a fast paced store with a lot of stuff, but a good training. And a fabric store. They hired us on the spot.
I was already anxious about it and the week we started, I couldn't sleep. I had turned Lidl down to choose my own field. I regret a lot of things.
Found out surprisingly fast paced, well established store where you know decently only half of the merchandise (and my knowledge was quite outdated with some yarns) and that kicked me in the guts. I couldn't sleep well, I could barely eat. Was told I was bad at cleaning, not a perfectionist enough (my coworker had barely time to tell me what to do properly) and I had to learn about the fabrics super fast or I'd be no help. Those struck deep and I just imploded mentally. I cried after both 7 hour workdays before I even made it to the car. Everyone was shocked, wife, me, family, friends.
I found out the word for what I'm prone to: catastrophizing. Overthinking and expecting the worst and that, combined with stress, low self-confidence, almost constant self-criticism and loathing, very little sleep and anxiety over new things and I went into the deep end. I had a panic attack. I tried getting myself a sick leave, but the boss called before that, already upset my wife was off for another day due to a removed tooth. I said I might be able to come, but I just had a panic attack. She got upset more and said what use are we if we are gonna be on sick leave constantly and said it better she undoes our contracts.
Turns out, she mixed us up again, most likely, as it was my wife, who got fired. I assumed it meant both of us and had a breakdown again. I quit later that day, with 2 days of sick leave. I think I'm in trouble with the unemployment office. The monetary support ban is 30 or 45 days in these cases. I hope...
I could have handled it better. Had I gotten proper sleep, most likely, I'd still be fine and working. Everything just piled up and overreactions galore. I know this is what if -ing, but I'm more clear headed after few nights of good sleep. My appetite isn't what it was, but it's slowly returning. I'm trying to organize my thoughts and what the hell happened.
I did get myself mental help. I seem calm now, but this is my life. A crying, sobbing, depressed mess one day, cool as a cucumber, functional adult the next. This can't continue. I asked for help to go through my whole life, to help me start changing the inner monologue and how I deal with things. I can't keep freaking out to the point of hysterical tears over things changing or making a small mistake. I simply hit the panic button, when I should have let the others cool me down and just get up and go and keep doing my best, even if it didn't seem to be good enough. What more could be asked from me?
This has me sort of anxious but also embarrassed and disappointed to the level I wonder am I even welcome to stay in this city. Which is stupid thinking. Yes, I fucked up. There are people in this town who have fucked up more. Way more. Maybe I'll do my best doing what I already do, at my own pace.
I got flashbacks to the other job I completely fucked up in and that was telemarketing. My now sadly former boss had been a telemarketer, a door to door saleswoman before that. Absolute iron lady. Freshly turned 70. Too fast for me =D I don't want to bear ill will towards her. I fucked up. If I could turn back the last month (August), I would. It hadn't been an easy month. Hell, this whole year has been a rough one. I think nobody has had a good two or so years recently.
Where it always boils down why I start melting down? Looking at our shit finances. I regret every goddamn purchase we've made. My savings are drained. My grandpa was right, I shouldn't have touched them. Oh well, I just need to sell more doll stuff. I think. I need to do better. As a person. As an adult. I thought I had this in the bag, but nope, there was a hole in the bag and now everything's a mess.
I have first therapy session in Turvapoiju next Monday. The proper psychiatric sessions start at the end of next month. I need to start probably using this more often as an outlet. Nobody really reads this, but at least to get it off my chest and if someone who finds it finds help from it or is in the same space, you can drop a line.
Well, that includes the new inner workings of Blogger (I keep accidentally writing blooger, lol) and the situation outside our home.
Sure, trumpster fire finally being doused is good, but I mean the goddamn virus.
Don't want to really go into stores, but have to, don't want to meet people, thankfully my things are always progressing slowly, so I can actually focus on things that matter to me. There are available jobs, but like hell I'm suitable for them and seriously, right now, I don't want to risk my health. I don't want even a regular cold, let alone THAT. So no thanks for meeting people. Besides, starting a couple of web courses on light entrepreneurship. Jesus what a monstrosity of a word. I could have signed up for more, but I have NaNoWriMo to win.
They kept hounding me to go and test out if I have ADHD and it's bothering me and giving me anger and anxiety. Anger for pressuring me to it and also making me doubt myself again, when I was finally actually feeling rather good. Anxiety over that it will destroy what I think of myself and making it even harder in this impossible situation to find a job. I just want to be left alone, I try to see if I can handle being a seller of jewelry and miniatures, while seeing is there anything simple enough in the job market for me to do.
For ages I've felt like I'm not good for anything and it bothers me like hell. Sure, I might take some things personally, but seriously. When you can land just few months of work every other year, it eats your credibility but also yourself. To me, wanting me to go there is an insult to what I am. Sure, I talk a mile a minute, but so does everyone in my family. I am sometimes restless, well who the fuck isn't? I can swap my attention really quickly, surely a talent. I can focus on what I want very intensely, so? Everyone does that on a subject they like. I find the requests to go to a test really insulting and degrading. Insulting to my person and degrading to my mental capacities. I'm me. Deal with it.
I haven't yet blasted it to everyone but I will be putting up a fight this time. I'm done doing shit I don't want and need because other people think it's good for me, when I know it isn't.
This song... it's called out to me for years. It still does. I've never fit in and these motherfuckers better buckle up because I'll be ME until the day I die.
Been too long since I've written here, to be honest. I know there's probably nobody reading, but... Oh well... At least I get things off my chest.
I've been with Kela's Nuotti rehabilitation program for some time now, once a month for 2 hours with the coach. Mostly been with me talking, but I've got some goals set up towards getting some structure for my weeks. I don't want to just float around anymore.
When I look in the mirror, I see the same 15-yo girl who didn't want to go anywhere, because there was nowhere to go. I'm just fatter and look more tired. I guess that's because I'm 28 now. I look back and I've come far. I'm happily hitched, two cats, rented apartment and a hobby.
That's where I start to see differences. I look around. Some have illnesses and they cope with them, some are just as hopelessly unemployed as I am and some have jobs and steady income that doesn't evaporate 12hrs after it's been deposited in their accounts. What have I achieved in the eyes of others?
I'd say nothing. Sure, some people have it worse, but I feel like a failure for not being able to help the person closest to me. For not being good enough or confident enough to get a job. To support that way. What I'd like to have? A job that I can stand and feel it's worth getting my ass up and out. A pay that I don't have to count every cent of can we get groceries and cat food and litter plus the bills and rent and last until the next pay...
Life likes to throw wrenches at me like Ratchet, with too great of accuracy for my taste. We had savings and our computers broke. I had money and the car repairs were way over what money I got monthly. The second repairs drained the savings again. I'm tired of penny-pinching. The stress is putting a huge strain on me.
I know people would say get a fucking job. It is easier said than done. Right now, Finland does have more jobless people than workplaces open, but compatibility... You can't stuff a ball through a square-shaped hole, you know, we all tried as a kid, I bet.
I might see a job that would be interesting and I'm actually thinking of it, until few hours later, I realize I wouldn't be good at it. I'm afraid.
Afraid of being a failure.
I'm afraid of failing.
Few times I've tried my best, only to fail and get told that it wasn't the right way. I can't handle it. Go ahead, you can criticize my art, I know I'm not good at it, but I like doing it and I try, but god... whatever else I do and it tears me apart.
Thrice in Lankava I just wanted to drop everything and walk out, never to return. I fucking tried!
Almost every other day, I just wanted to drop everything and hop in my car and drive away from Powerpark. The register was just too complex for me and I couldn't grasp the details even after the whole season.
Few times I just wanted to sit and cry in the grass when doing park maintenance, I don't know shit about taking care of flowers or anything, I was tossed in and had to hit the ground running.
In the Children's Culture Center, I was so underqualified I'm amazed why they hired me? How bad was the other applicant that showed up?! I was completely lost with everything and just... flopped around like a fish out of water.
At the call center, that's where I broke the first time from getting chewed out by an angry customer for my mistake. The place wasn't really good, but it broke me. It simply broke me. I can barely call anyplace nor keep my shit together if my old mistakes are brought out. I wish I could thank the Swedish coworker who tried to console me. That job wasn't worth it.
People make mistakes and I am always aware of them, but I'd love to just rave at everyone's face that I'm trying, don't tell me where I went wrong. I am trying my fucking hardest.
I don't really try anymore. Not so people can see. I don't want to hear about my mistakes. I've made them and will continue to make. I just want to forget they ever happened. I know I'm trying to shut the world out. Shut the negativity out. It's just... it's like trying to block one of the nozzles in a fountain.
Why try when you know it's going to blow up in my face?
Why bother?
Why should I go to be the spitoon?
I don't have the answers for those. I wish somebody had. Go through that shit for money isn't what I wish for, but I tend to live in dreamland. None of you probably wonder why if you read my other slice of life shits.
This is my darkness. This is something not even my imaginary friends can save me from. I know I should just... grow the hard skin back now that it has been peeled off. I guess the shit was easier to take from the family in the form of always-broken promises, but it's the same shit that life keeps giving me, so it cannot be that either.
Sometimes I feel like the whole world could burn and I don't care. Other times I just... want to be someone people can trust. That people would trust me and look at me with a smile, with no lies to me.
...see why I don't really even apply for jobs? Why I see the psychotherapist and am in a rehabilitation program? I might look like a well-functioning 28-yo adult. Yet inside, I'm still that confused and broken, angry teen who just resigned to fate and was planning to be a bum under the bridge.
I was exhausted of expectations from everyone and fighting their visions by the time I was 20. I've tried to get a job and enjoy it, do it to my best abilities, but not being good enough. There's only one person who thinks I'm good enough and we live together. I'd probs be still holed up in that tiny village and write stories on the computer in the upstairs of my grandparents, in my childhood home. Without her, I'd be nothing.
Now I'm a wife and a cat mom. A doll modifier. A jewelry maker. A shy writer. None of that pays, but it keeps me alive and sane. If I was ever sane in the first place. I dunno. I've never been like others. I've never known how to do things others do.
Getting a job is a hurdle. Not really my fault either, the job markets are utter crap here. You'd need a million-dollar idea to become an entrepreneur. And you need those fucking million dollars to start that cycle of crap. I just want financial stability. It is just pure impossibility really... At least dreams are free.
I don't like to dream either, they just remind me what I don't have. Money. From a job.
I'm on the road to getting shit done per week, that is one step. I'd just need more help with my mind than can be provided freely. I can't go back either. My hometown is my personal nightmare for me. All the past bad memories flood me. I'm not going back to live, not until I'm better.
If I'm ever getting better.
One thing I have stopped dreaming about completely though. Losing weight. Granny told me I was never gonna lose weight since I had her body type. Well, she is right. Do I hate my body? Yeah, duh, you are lucky you haven't seen it. What do I do about it? Nothing. Nothing's gonna change anyway. My ass and thighs are never fitting in any nice clothes and my gut makes me look preggers, so I just wear oversized clothes. I'm done caring. If she still wants to wake up every morning next to me, even if I'm like this, so be it =) I'm very much fine with it. I don't care really about myself in physical sense.
I know it shows. One classmate said that the first time she saw me, she had thought that I'd be pretty if I just looked after myself. I never trusted her again, even if she promised to help defend me against rumors. Let them talk if it's their only hobby. In that town, it is the only thing to do. Gossip on others.
I did look around the other day, seeing all these things we've collected but never seem to have time for them and I felt sad. We've put so much love and effort into them. Then what? When we're gone? Who cares of them? Who is there to read their stories? I'm almost tempted to embark in that journey next November. To give them all a voice. Starting from my old imaginary friends. Somebody should hear their stories. Fanfiction-y and impossible they are, but it's our DollWorld. Our stories.
Maybe I should. I don't want this all to go to waste.
Ok, maybe the rant is over. I've unloaded a lot off my chest. Some might call this just attention whoring. It's not, since it's not on IG or Twitter or FB. I'm the type who needs to get things off my mind and out on paper or in digital form. Then I feel better.
A lot has changed and I miss the old times. When I was 15. This new world is harsh and cruel and twisted. Maybe that's the reason for Selenia to exist. It's a safe haven for us. A place where everything is well. It's in this doll room and in our minds and in our word docs. It's in our dreams.
I'm 28. I don't have a job. I love dealing with fashion dolls and handcrafts. I love music, heavy metal in particular. I wish I could turn one of my hobbies into a business, but I know I'm not good enough. I know I'm lazy, but that could also be me being... tired. Tired of failing. Tired of being scared.
Three stints through school at a week-long "Work Experience Tryout" and they were at two different local stores and my old elementary (gawd, nightmare trips all of them!). They proved I'm most comfortable doing something under somebody's supervision, assisted, but with only one other person. That's what I've found out. And that I don't always think clearly. Not when nervous. Which is most of the time.
I didn't want to go to do a summer job, everyone else did, it was almost a scandal I was the only one in our village who hadn't been working summertime in the village cemetery. My grandparents let me chill the summer, take it easy and load batteries. They said after a school year, time off is a good thing. Besides, I never went anywhere beyond hopping on my bicycle and hitting the neighborhood, and later, not even that. So I was at home. All the time. I never went anywhere. I had my own shit. Though the paranoia caused by a former classmate spying on me left me unable to go outside for years, so that did cause the isolation as well.
Anyway, I digress. Next job was after I simply got fed up with studying after the semi-fiasco that was Joutseno... I simply crashed and burned. I had also tried phone sales and lasted a week, berry picking just destroyed my knees and the owner's wife and father were horrible to be around with. Few days only.
I was thrust into a personal service through the employment office, who got me to 6 months in a youth workshop. I first was nervous about it, then, liked it, then, ended up absolutely hating it. I also got some arguments in there, was sent to see a shrink (that led simply nowhere except the fact I had depression, had known that since junior high, that place changes people into monsters) and luckily I got to apply to art schools. Two of them I did get the entry to but chose Lappia Vocational College. It was crap as well. A trainwreck of a school.
Before that, I had my second most difficult job ever. Amusement park ticket cashier. Oh sweet bejesus! Only people not enjoying that place has to be those who sell the tickets. I can't go to details, but I couldn't handle the pressure. Even until the last day, I couldn't grasp the details and fumbled with the register, which was old fashioned, but still, gawd, it was horrid. I like going to the place and I have sympathy to everyone who starts as a cashier, it ain't simple.
Through Lappia I had to go and get a month's work practice place. The local weaver didn't reply or seem keen into taking a free worker, so I just called up my birth town's yarn store and was instantly taken in for the month. Hard, yes, did I blunder there too? YES. I never seem to do things right even after directions, which did hammer me down for weeks and left me with fear of failing so crippling I just can't. I liked it and visit the place, purchase stuff, but still...
I would have probably gotten to work in the local Chinese restaurant, I was good friends with the owners, but we moved and soon, they quit. I'm still rather bummed out, the owner would have taken me in right away. But I needed to get away from the town. I still have difficulties being there.
When I got to Sea-Lapland, I was pointed towards the free vacancy and appointed a place as a temp for Children's Culture and Art Center. 3 and a half months. Well... I was the one they picked, I was also hilariously underqualified for the job that I was simply dropped into. I had no idea what to do and was just fumbling around, barely managing to keep it together with the kindergarten groups that I had to help manage and run craft classes. Not really popular ideas I seemed to have and I just... I learned one thing, I don't want to deal with kids. I seemed to be a child magnet growing up and maybe still a bit too, but I don't like them the least bit. They couldn't have picked the worse worker than me. Out of three of us, one never showed up and the other... well she couldn't have been worse than me!
I don't remember how long was I without a job, when I was put into the care of employment office through the city and managed to score a place for 8 months, my longest yet, with the city's park maintenance unit. It was... a double-edged sword, it caused (and nearly broke my knees and back) my significant other's fibromyalgia to manifest and was full of friendships drama, but at least two good friends came out of it. There were days when I absolutely hated it (not a morning person and idiots make my blood boil) but also fun and an interesting job at times. Helped me know the city better.
Been unemployed for a year now, I pretty much shot myself in the leg with my anxiety as I didn't sign up with YTK sooner, so I didn't get their support (18 fucking hours!), but the government's, which fluctuates nowadays, thanks to the "Active Form", which means if there's no job or any courses checked up, I get reduced unemployment support and that just destroyed the last remnants of my sanity.
I've been almost to the brink of a total meltdown at least twice a month since I've been unemployed, struggling with money and not able to find a job I know I can do. I have tried asking the park maintenance do they want me back to the watering unit, but nothing yet, I'd have almost 4 months of the supported pay left, so they wouldn't need to pay me, but... I've also applied for housing support, which we are getting and living support, though I'm still waiting for that decision, do I even get it.
I'm a total wreck, left at everybody's mercy. Broke and Broken. I'm not even good enough to hire and nobody is really interested of my art or jewelry. I haven't felt this insignificant in years. Honestly.
My job left me really confused about things and back to normal income is tricky. Real tricky. Plenty of moneyholes, mainly the bills and the car, the recently changed brakes keep helluva racket.
Had a friend over from Hamburg and after that extended weekend, felt like nothing would be the same afterwards. We miss her quite a deal and I think she would have stayed here forever. Kemi has that effect on people.
Our cleaned up apartment has actually stayed relatively clean for a surprising long time, maybe thanks to the Olympic Games, we spent the nights watching sports and slept the days. Now that it's over, we're trying to get our sleep pattern to the levels of a normal person. Not going that well, our The Sims 2 cheat and play spree is hindering that. Not that I regret it tho.
Currently I'm running on short nap I just took, should go to the Arctic Comics Center to see what could be brought into the display considering our works. I have one big WIP waiting for finishing touches and then I need to dig up all the old ones that I have with me. I can even get some fabric works into there, Shame that the The Final Rise is at home and medieval banner is still WIP... And my circlets are at home. Maybe some barbie dresses would be great.
My shins are killing me right now, I mean, they are constantly like on edge of cramping and that just sucks donkey balls.
We were supposed to have several friends and relatives visiting, in the end, just one friend visiting.
...I have a job now. A legit job. I just still need to get them my criminal records, which I have none. I'll be temping a regular worker at Children and Youth Center, for 3½ months. Pay is good, hours rather long, but hey, I'm a kid magnet!
Been rather busy, had visitors, had to clean up, been expanding DoWo as much as I can, should probs clear the dish mountain a bit, at least the baking tools. Made mocha pie. It's just a pan with chocolate mocha frosting. Put some dark chocolate on top of it. Now I'm just thinking did I put too much coffee in it.
Job interview tomorrow. At first I was erroneously let know that it'd be on next month, then I got a call, "oh it was supposed to be yesterday", so they moved it to Friday. Then they called me on Friday and moved it on Monday. I'm nervous, but my biggest worry is, will it pay more than Kela pays to me. We are very dependent on Kela, when our winter rent is 450€ with the car heating. Sure, it's only like... 3½ months, but... Only three were invited, I was one of them. At the Lasten Kulttuurikeskus, something to do with kids. I'm a kid magnet, I'm just not the biggest kid person around. Left to be seen.
My jogging views are boring, tho it's a lot greener now...
Well, found a new hobby, that is actually good for losing weight. Cassie Ho's POP pilates. It's fun and she's very positive. I need a lot support for this and someone to do it with me, but so far, it's not going that strong. I'm doing it alone and try my darnest to get rid of the junk food. I try. But as I know from my past, me trying my hardest is never even half of being enough. I've shed only 1½kg so far, but it's a start.
Completed a puzzle last night, it was one of the hardest I've ever done, it's tempting to start the metallic puzzle again, THAT is also hella hard, since the light needs to come in a certain angle OR I can't see anything but a metallic sheen.
Coral Reef Panorama, 1000 pieces.
I also managed to get my room in half a shape, but with visitors and all, I'm have to gather shit from downstairs and put it anywhere I can, so my room is cluttered AGAIN. I'm getting really frustrated with living here, but I can't get a fucking job so I don't need to put up with them 24/7. This ain't the most recent photo either, but oh well.
Where to begin? Gramps is still prissy about us having a cat. I'm not bringing it home with me, that seems to be the thing he simply doesn't hear. The upcoming weekend I'm spending at my fiancée's place, to get Goldeneye settled there better with us both around. Or it could be that the granduncle is still there next weekend and I haven't seem him around in ages. Sure, he's fun guy and all.
The next was that we slept poorly at friend's place. We caught up at the expense of school. Sure, we both felt like shit in the morning, I still feel like shit. Teacher sent a message: "Get to work now! Or are you sick, because you're not here?" Guess do I feel any better... I'm just so tired of this. They either forget I exist, or they pick on me for being friends with the youngest of our class, who also tends to throw tantrums. I sound like a fucking hypocrite to complain, but nobody has idea what it is like to be me. Nobody.
I try to get through this school, I just don't know how I'll end up being after this. The gif above picture what I would do right now if I got a job. That's me when I leave the class, when I leave the school... I can't take this anymore. I feel inadequate. I'm never good enough to the rest. Only to my fiancée. That should be enough, but there are always other people you need to impress.
Working on art commissions and after struggling several weeks with not much money, it's finally payday, the last support for me arrives today. I don't have a summer job, so this summer will be spent with me doing completely crazy and sleepless. And without money. I wished to go to Satama Open Air to see Sonata, and to Tulivuorirock Unplugged, visit Imatra again, Tampere too, but no job, no money.
One of the artworks I was supposed to do was an acromantella. I'm utterly terrified of spiders and even the thoughts gives me goosebumps. Other creature I cannot draw is a horse-spider hybrid. I've never noped that hard in my life. Some people can cure their arachnophobia by getting a spider, the closer I get to a spider and the bigger it is, the closer I am to tears. Just no. Seriously no. I cannot even draw a spider anymore and I definitely can't touch a drawing of one. Even spider crabs are giving me the creeps. I haven't overly advertised in fb or anyplace else that I'm terrified of spiders, because people are such assholes they will post everything about spiders to me. If I see one more spider within a week, I'm gonna cry.
Sucks to be me, I live in the woods. Spiders are everywhere. I can deal with snakes, even some bugs, not those clinging type, I screech and flail and go completely on panic mode if I find one clutching onto me again. I know they are handy... But I don't want to see them. Spiderwebs are... icky... If you wrap clean spiderweb around a small, bleeding cut, the bleeding stops. Or that's what they say.
One of these worse days. I feel like crying, breaking things, crying some more, screaming...
I think I might be stressed out. I don't have much money, I need to find a job, but from where... My grandparents are driving me crazy and dad and stepmom ain't being all that nice recently. One of these days when I don't know why I bother keeping in touch with all those people...
My job is ending. Two more days. Sadly, the two final days are the PowerTruck Show days. Gotta watch out for drunk people and sell not just amusement park wrist bands, but parking tickets too. *sigh* Not sure how long will I be there and will I be tossed into the restaurants again. I dread the Pizza Buffet, the Steak House Canyon was better, sure, they made me run around, BUT hey, they were busy as hell, all of them.
My time in this cage. I'll be moving to Loue, Tervola, Lapland on Monday, with my significant other. The dorm had damn strick rules, but positive side is, there are supervisors nearby (supposed to) so if somebody is making a racket... I lived in a dorm for 9 months two years or so ago, and it was filled with stupid party animals. The noise was irritating to say the least. I'm not afraid to rat the others. I deserve my peace, finally.
My wisdom teeth. Usually it's the lower left that causes hadaches and the gum swells up. Nope. Nopenopenope. It has to be upper right. My whole right side is slightly swollen, tender and gosh my jaw joint hurts. I can't really chew anything. I often complained about my wisdom teeth, but never did anything. Now I'm fed up. They are goners after I get to Lapland. I've had it. Soooooo had it.
The thing that saddens me is that I wanted to go to a karaoke bar on Saturday night, just for the heck of it, but I can't really open my mouth properly...
Finally, two days off. I've been bustin' my brain with this work, arguing with irate gramps and stressing about moving. We still haven't gotten any papers so we'd know what we need to take with us. Today I was put to the notorious Steak House Canyon to work. They have been treating the ticket booth girls like dirt when we have been sent to help but now our boss told them that she'll send us if only they treat us nicely. They did, or she sent the mentally two toughest girls. I can deal with being bossed around, I'm used to it. It wasn't too bad, they were kind enough to tell me what to do, since it was my first day there, but I had enough experience with clearing tables and carrying plates.
I did manage to screw up in my regular job. Again. I'm just too drained...
Now my wrists are screaming and the soles of my feet hurt like hell. Gramps complained becuse I bought soda. Fuck if I care.
Timo and Jani are gonna be in Karma on Saturday. We plan on going, despite the fact we both have work the next day. We just can't get enough of those two.
Starting on Sunday, I start a grueling 7 days of work...
Friday night. Oooooh snap it was fine. Timo and Jani sure rocked the whole double tent. Fanservice, boyish antics and hot guys. Front row for me. I had to ditch my 10cm heeled Vagabonds since the balls of my feet couldn't take it anymore. I thought my legs were broken when I drove home, barefoot. I returned home around 6am. Few hours of fitful sleep and I was off to Powerpark with friend, now as a customer. Didn't really try anything new that time, well, La Paloma, a chain carousel. That was scary. Sunday... slept like a log and cleaned up. At least tried to. Postponed my visit to mah darling's to Monday after work. I hate my work. Monday... Well, let's say it didn't start well. A wasp or something stung me beneath my thumbnail. Ow fuck it hurt. Well, my dad, stepmom and halfsister showed up, I got to sell my dad and stepmom their tickets, they had to wait until I got on a break to take them to the maingates and get me and sis wristbands. I overdid it and went to Typhoon with my stepmom. It was horrible. I loved spending time with my dad too. I was shocked to see how much my sister had grown.
Yesterday
was a disaster. An utter disaster. I was supposed to be dressing up in Satumaa
as characters the whole day. One ticket booth guy had fallen sick and I made a
mistake of accepting to spend the morning in the booth. Then it all went to
hell. The goddamn credit/debit card machines jammed. All of them. Everywhere.
The people who didn't have cash and weren't informedwere furious.They waited for 3 hours max. There was so much pissed off people I was
ready to break down in tears and kill myself. The park was open one extra hour,
closing at 8pm...It was after 3pm when
I finally made it to the workspot I was supposed to be in to begin with.
Today was... well, nice. The costumes are suffocating and hot and the two of us
pretty much melt the ice in two rounds.I went to get some Chinese takeaway. I'm tired, but body mostly. The
ticket booth works my brain into nothingness.
I'm tired
to the bone. Physically and mentally. I have been running on empty lately, just
few hours' worth of sleep a night and stressful and tiring work. Yeah, some of
you would say so what? All I need to do at work is sit and sell people
wristbands and entrances.But random
hours on random days and the constant fear of making a mistake and receiving
the wrath from the customers and boss... That eats my mind away. I have started
nearly crying after work few times now. I'm just so sick of it, but I cannot
quit. I have less than a month left, last week is actually me working from
Sunday to Saturday... I'm afraid to go to work every single morning. Tired of
explaining the same things over and over again...
Working in
an amusement park is no fun to someone who'd rather sit alone or with their
loved one, with no fear of making strangers mad at you or fumbling with money.
I'm one of those who'd rather just... do something stupid and simple... But
working for the city, cleaning streets and planting flowers isn't my style
either. Gramps finds it embarrassing that I haven't worked at the local cemetery.
I find it a job for teens. Those who are desperate for a place to work and earn
meager summer pay. I got desperate this year, after I decided to hold an off
year. Gramps can think and say what he wants. I do what I want with my life.
At least my back isn't that much. I'm planning to for a walk and then maybe wash up so I can get ready for karaoke night. Sure, I'm working tomorrow. The next five days in a row, to be exact. I hate that job since I'm have to work on such odd days. From Sunday to Thursday and from Tuesday to Saturday. With less you get confused. I usualy have no clue what day it is when I wake up in the morning.
This ringing in my head now, at least not Adam Lambert anymore...
I'm torn. I bought two tickets to Tulivuorirock Unplugged so I could get to se Timo and Jani again. I love their acoustic shows. That bromance... AHEM.
That is not the issue, they cost 33€, 15€ each plus postage. Not biggie, I can earn that amount in two days. Issue is the Sonata Arctica concert. My sweetheat REALLY wants to go, and I cannot convince otherwise, I have tried. Thing is, the tickets in advance to the Day 2 are 37€ each. You do the math. Two people plus postage. That takes a bite. Then, the next issue is the goddamn traveling. How toget to Nokia. I don't have the student card. Which makes train tickets OVER HALF cheaper. I need to pay the tickets to the festival and all the travels, and my one way ticket costs as much as those two tickets... I'm pretty much saying no to this right now, but my words fall on deaf ears. I know this will bring up an argument, but I'm serious. I REALLY wish I don't need to drive there, since my car takes a lot of fuel. Sure it can take 450km with half a tank, but come on... I need to drive 104 from home to work and back, that hogs a lot.
For once in my life, I dare say Sonata is losing one fight. They perform in Rytmikorjaamo, Seinäjoki 5.10. I'd rather take the over 6 hour train trip with the student card after school than the Tuhdimmat Tahdit 2012 with my shitty pay. Despite free lodging with a friend.
Until the beginning of August, my pay is 6,75€ / h. I'm NOT getting rich and this is simply driving me insane.
I got
completely soaked today, which naturally sucked some major donkey balls.
Uploaded some more works into DeviantArt, baked muffins last night. I burned
the goddamn chocolates again. AGAIN. I'm giving up on using chocolate to
anything. I ended up using my mint chocolate powder, sugar and hot water to
make a sauce. It actually worked. Gramps told me the muffins were dangerously
good. Glad they worked.
Have I ever
mentioned how refreshing shower is? You get to scrub a shit ton of grease outta
your hair and just let it wash away your problems. Also a great place to think.
Your housemates or such won't appreciate you hogging all the hot water. Well, I
wasn't the only user this time.
I haven't
really done anything productive today, I was supposed to watch the Pirates
movies, but did I? Nope. Then I thought I could finally continue my ancient Greece
themed story. Still not at it. I'm talented at this, aren't I?
This is me going to work and seeing all those customers that are always in a hurry...
