Jesus Christ. I just can't take this shit anymore.
I've been on suspension from my unemployment support until yesterday. Everything's fucked up. At least the bills and rent should be covered. I regret everything. I can't deal with reality right now... I did reapply to the unemployment support yesterday, dunno did I do it too early, I don't understand the jargon they use very well.
Heck, I don't understand anything. I applied to two more jobs, even though mentally, I'm NOT in the right space for them. Well, I got to the first interview but haven't heard back for all week, so I guess I did not get through. Other hasn't replied. Eh, fine. They were too good to work out. It's me, everything's supposed to go to hell. I agonize and have anxiety over not having a job, I agonize and have anxiety over MAYBE getting a job. See why I'm absolutely tired of this shit of a life we are stuck in.
Friends did come together for us when I asked if they could donate some money for a drawing pad. Well, we got the amount. And -two- friends sent us their old drawing pads they don't use anymore. We've tested the first that came in last week. Works like a charm. Another is coming from Thailand so it's gonna take a while. Jenni's Christmas/birthday present. We are mainly traditional artists and crafters, but some things are easier with a drawing pad. It was fun.
My next cause of anxiety is the fucking report I had to do of my "business" of selling little shit on Etsy. That could land me in a lot of trouble with a lot of things and as much as I love doing it and giving people what they might need... I... Sometimes I think what's the use doing anything online... But the things we do... it's mainly for our enjoyment... we share shit for a few friends to see... I shouldn't take pressures for it... After Pohjantähti-opisto, my mental state has crumbled like a damn cookie.
My therapy is on Monday. Couldn't be sooner... but it's in a whole new place and going to new places alone gives me anxiety. Jenni has a dentist at the exact same time. I feel... hopeless right now and scared. Part of me wishes I could just be a child again and curl up onto granny's lap.
Speaking of, she has Alzheimer's. She's... well, she hasn't really gone worse, but she isn't going better either. I feel guilty for wanting to be elsewhere, when I should be helping gramps with her... Even though she told me, when she was still lucid, that it's not my responsibility to look after them, that I'm allowed to have a life of my own. But my dad can't help. Who else would... look after them?
So, mentally, I'm in a limbo. Financially, we are still in a limbo. I'm an absolute wreck. I've just focused on comics again, should do other things as well... I... I need to set myself work times I guess.
