Thursday, July 26, 2012

When my love and acceptance is not enough

One of these days when I fear I might suddenly be left alone... To see everything I've worked so hard to put back together, break down again... By the makers.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

6 eventful days

Friday night. Oooooh snap it was fine. Timo and Jani sure rocked the whole double tent. Fanservice, boyish antics and hot guys. Front row for me. I had to ditch my 10cm heeled Vagabonds since the balls of my feet couldn't take it anymore. I thought my legs were broken when I drove home, barefoot. I returned home around 6am.
Few hours of fitful sleep and I was off to Powerpark with  friend, now as a customer. Didn't really try anything new that time, well, La Paloma, a chain carousel. That was scary.
Sunday...  slept like a log and cleaned up. At least tried to. Postponed my visit to mah darling's to Monday after work.
I hate my work. Monday... Well, let's say it didn't start well. A wasp or something stung me beneath my thumbnail. Ow fuck it hurt. Well, my dad, stepmom and halfsister showed up, I got to sell my dad and stepmom their tickets, they had to wait until I got on a break to take them to the maingates and get me and sis wristbands. I overdid it and went to Typhoon with my stepmom. It was horrible. I loved spending time with my dad too. I was shocked to see how much my sister had grown.

Yesterday was a disaster. An utter disaster. I was supposed to be dressing up in Satumaa as characters the whole day. One ticket booth guy had fallen sick and I made a mistake of accepting to spend the morning in the booth. Then it all went to hell. The goddamn credit/debit card machines jammed. All of them. Everywhere. The people who didn't have cash and weren't informed  were furious.  They waited for 3 hours max. There was so much pissed off people I was ready to break down in tears and kill myself. The park was open one extra hour, closing at 8pm...  It was after 3pm when I finally made it to the workspot I was supposed to be in to begin with.
Today was... well, nice. The costumes are suffocating and hot and the two of us pretty much melt the ice in two rounds.  I went to get some Chinese takeaway. I'm tired, but body mostly. The ticket booth works my brain into nothingness.
My halfsister and I

I really missed dad...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Study history? Become a history teacher? Pfft.

I'm tired to the bone. Physically and mentally. I have been running on empty lately, just few hours' worth of sleep a night and stressful and tiring work. Yeah, some of you would say so what? All I need to do at work is sit and sell people wristbands and entrances.  But random hours on random days and the constant fear of making a mistake and receiving the wrath from the customers and boss... That eats my mind away. I have started nearly crying after work few times now. I'm just so sick of it, but I cannot quit. I have less than a month left, last week is actually me working from Sunday to Saturday... I'm afraid to go to work every single morning. Tired of explaining the same things over and over again...

Working in an amusement park is no fun to someone who'd rather sit alone or with their loved one, with no fear of making strangers mad at you or fumbling with money. I'm one of those who'd rather just... do something stupid and simple... But working for the city, cleaning streets and planting flowers isn't my style either. Gramps finds it embarrassing that I haven't worked at the local cemetery. I find it a job for teens. Those who are desperate for a place to work and earn meager summer pay. I got desperate this year, after I decided to hold an off year. Gramps can think and say what he wants. I do what I want with my life.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Deprived of everything

Last week was pretty hell-ish. This hasn't been much better either. I can't sleep. I just keep tossing and turning, my eyes sore and heavy, yet I cannot pass out. My brain just keeps whirring and there is no end to that. I just can't fall asleep. It's starting to catch up, as I'm angry as hell at home, but then again...
Gramps was complaining again. That I'm never early in bed (they sometimes go to bed before 10pm). They even think they can order me to go to bed that early. I go to bed early if I'm seriously tired and need all that more or less 12 hours of sleep. I'm running on less than six, just because I can't fall asleep. It was never that hard in Joutseno. Then again, I didn't have grandparents lumbering not-so-quietly through my room 4 times a night. Or granny talking and sometimes even yelling because of the side effects of the meds. Sleep in that.

There is no door between our bedrooms. Nope. Just a curtain. That is always open. I usually needed the snoring to be able to sleep, but after Joutseno... My darling is a quiet sleeper. Seriously. I got used to that and boom. I can't sleep here anymore.

This whole ordeal is starting to get to me. I have a different pace with things, which they still try to change. I can't really do things with them lurking around, being in the way. Gramps is never happy with how I organize things. Never. Granny has a fricking verbal diarrhea, she never stops.
It shows that she can't go visit any of her friends, and none of them want to come here. And I can't say one negative word to her and she starts crying and blaming me for everything and then it goes to weep for her miserable life. I hate when she does that guilt trip. I'm too soft, still. Though, indifference is getting stronger,  I have a long way to go though.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Aww hell

I think I might have a kidney infection at this rate. I can feel the damn organ very clearly on my side. Guess I must once again rely on painkillers and get some cranberry pills and Panadol tomorrow before work. Sheesh.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Well, more or less feeling better.

At least my back isn't that much. I'm planning to for a walk and then maybe wash up so I can get ready for karaoke night. Sure, I'm working tomorrow. The next five days in a row, to be exact. I hate that job since I'm have to work on such odd days. From Sunday to Thursday and from Tuesday to Saturday. With less you get confused. I usualy have no clue what day it is when I wake up in the morning.

This ringing in my head now, at least not Adam Lambert anymore...

Of the three "mothers"

Where to start? Maybe I should start with the dumb bitch that brought me to life. My "mother".
She has two sisters and a brother. Her mother never cared for them, they were raised by their grandmother. My granny told me that her stepfather was a grumpy man, he had once swiped the chair from underneath my mother and she had been knocked out.

She was about to marry my dad, when my uncle asked from granny, what the hell my dad saw in her. Granny didn't know either, but told him not to meddle. They told me she was a oddball. Liked foods that made my granny gag and scrunched up her nose to granny's cookings. They lived in Kauhava, not too far from here. She had dogs, a lot, granny said they were ugly as hell. Small and untrained. They had me. Nothing changed.

She didn't like if granny tried to give an advice. She also asked if they were sure the dogs wouldn't jump into my crib. She said of course not, that they were well behaving. Granny turned her back and one of the dogs jumped onto me and I started wailing like a fire alarm. So much for well behaving, also explains my fear of water, dog slobber. While in Kauhava, they lived next to a family of gypsies. The matriarch or sorts was wondering and finally asked my mother, why she was always outside with the dogs, but not with me. She just scoffed. She once left me alone in the dark apartment, crying my lungs out, while taking the dogs for a walk. Dad was working.

Granny thanked the gypsy woman for telling her that. She said that if it ever turned into an official strife, nobody would believe her even if she did tell the truth, how she neglected me. My parents luckily divorced. But as usual, the mother gets the child. Unlucky me.

She took me with her, to Rantsila. She was probably never faithful while married to dad, because many had seen cars of strange men at the apartment. While I was with her, my halfsister's granny told me that her sister was just like her. She told me that once she had been going to the local store and there had been a baby carriage with a crying baby outside it. She hadn't done much but glanced, and once she spotted my mother and her sister in the store, asked if they knew whose baby was left outside. They seemed like they had forgotten ME. My sister's ganny said she would have done something, had she known it was me.

My mother had put newspapers on the floor ad the dogs shat and pissed and I was crawling in there.
I was with her half a month. Then she called my dad to "come and pick up your brat, I'm sick of her". Dad and granny came to get me.

My halfsister is one and a half years younger. Her dad refused to marry, saying they'd divorce soon anyway and that he'd take the girl, no matter what.

When I was brought here, they said I was sitting silently and everytime I was about to laugh, I suddenly grew stone faced, looking around sullenly. I barely played with toys. Makes me wonder what the hell she did to me. It took me two week to start smiling.
And I started calling granny mother. Couldn't help it. She was strict though and I never cared for rules. I was often downgraded (even by teachers) at school because I was raised by my grandparents and I called my granny my mother. Took me years to start calling her granny. It took my dad getting a new woman for himself for me to start calling her granny. She was overjoyed.
(She got measles, scarlet fever and if I remember correctly, rubella, which caused her to have diabetes. She was barely 13 at the time, almost died, and has been on the brink several times, because diabetes is a tricky and difficult illness, because it is so... unique. Not every person suffer it the same way. She is almost 70 soon. She always dreamed to work with small children, but the doctors and nurses of that time told her flat out she couldn't. She has done odd jobs since then. That about sums up my granny's childhood.)

I liked my stepmother at first. Sure, she was strict, I had tight rules when I lived there through summers. I was often reprimanded because I didn't know how to interact with her dog. Or how to peel the potatoes (granny or gramps always did that...). She got pregnant and I felt giddy that I was gonna be a bigsister. I did not know or acknowledge that I had a halfsister from my real mother's side. She welcomed me, treated me like her own daughter, introduced me to her son, he was born -83. He always treats me like a little sister. They played with me, despite me being annoying.
I was even planning to move in with them, go to a new school. Then I got friends. And I stayed here.

We just drifted apart. Granny says she manipulates my dad, she has forbidden gramps to call, calls him phone crazy (I don't blame her though, I hate the Sunday calls too). Uses me as a medium to get messages through to gramps. My brother doesn't keep much contact to her, which she understands, she also understands my anxiety to get out of this place. She knows of my depression too, maybe even knows of my relationship, but hasn't brought it up.

Still, would  have been but a free babysitter, had I moved in? They did "family trips", I was never part of it. I was left here again. Lost another chance of a normal, steady family. Dad changed because of his accident, they never visit anymore... They even have the guts to chastitise me. It's easy to do from a distance, when they don't need to meet my violent temper.

I once shocked them to the core. They were there for my confirmation, granny was in the hospital, recovering from a heart surgery. Gramps was once again triple checking everything that if I kew what to do and shit and I snapped that of course I knew, did he take me for an idiot. Gramps took it as if nothing and both, my stepmother and dad were shocked and later, after I had stormed off, asked how he let me talk to him like that. Gramps coolly anwered that he had raised two teenage boys, my temper wasn't much different, they had it in front of them still. My halfsister is 9 years younger than I am.

The boss of the workshop thought that one of many valid reasons of helping me into seeing the psychologist was my mother hate. Maybe the way I spoke of my own mother shocked her, she is a single mother, but still. I think all that hate is justified. That is something me and my halfsister have in common. We are almost like twins. We understand each other, tease each other...

My life would be a whole bunch of lies hadn't it gone like this. My godmother wanted to adopt me, but she is mentally unstable and when I was a baby and the adopton in concideration by my dad, she started asking if my mother used any meds while she was expecting me. If I wasn't healthy at all. That's when all breaks were hit. Gramps lso learned that my ame, birthday, everything would be changed and I would have been lost forever. One social worker was behaving like an ass and other one told my dad that whatever goes around you, never let go of your daughter. And he has had the guts to accuse my grandparents of stealing me. Granny's sister reprimanded my dad worse than Odin did Thor.

I heard my real mother is married again, maybe not even together with that guy anymore. She had a miscarriage. She sent a letter to my dad and to my sister's dad, lamenting the loss of the twins. Dad was kinda happy she might have been rendered unable to have children anymore, she might not have kept those either. She is living in Ruukki, she owes a debt to nearly everyone, is on everyone's blacklist... Has stolen money from the kennel she works in...

I will dance happily the day she dies. Sadly, hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. I have a long way to go. I don't give a flying fuck of what she does, but if she comes a shotgun range away from me, I will tear her eyes out and feed them to her. I told my uncle to tell her that. She blames my sister's grandparents and dad for seeking me out. It was her brother who did that. She never gave my granny their names, so we couldn't look for them.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Barlowgirl - Never Alone

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home

Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I'm ready to gamble that goddamn halo

I'm torn. I bought two tickets to Tulivuorirock Unplugged so I could get to se Timo and Jani again. I love their acoustic shows. That bromance... AHEM.

That is not the issue, they cost 33€, 15€ each plus postage. Not  biggie, I can earn that amount in two days. Issue is the Sonata Arctica concert. My sweetheat REALLY wants to go, and I cannot convince otherwise, I have tried. Thing is, the tickets in advance to the Day 2 are 37€ each. You do the math. Two people plus postage. That takes a bite. Then, the next issue is the goddamn traveling. How toget to Nokia. I don't have the student card. Which makes train tickets OVER HALF cheaper. I need to pay the tickets to the festival and all the travels, and my one way ticket costs as much as those two tickets... I'm pretty much saying no to this right now, but my words fall on deaf ears. I know this will bring up an argument, but I'm serious. I REALLY wish I don't need to drive there, since my car takes a lot of fuel. Sure it can take 450km with half a tank, but come on... I need to drive 104 from home to work and back, that hogs a lot.

For once in my life, I dare say Sonata is losing one fight. They perform in Rytmikorjaamo, Seinäjoki 5.10. I'd rather take the over 6 hour train trip with the student card after school than the Tuhdimmat Tahdit 2012 with my shitty pay. Despite free lodging with a friend.

Until the beginning of August, my pay is 6,75€ / h. I'm NOT getting rich and this is simply driving me insane.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Running in the rainnnnnnnn

I got completely soaked today, which naturally sucked some major donkey balls. Uploaded some more works into DeviantArt, baked muffins last night. I burned the goddamn chocolates again. AGAIN. I'm giving up on using chocolate to anything. I ended up using my mint chocolate powder, sugar and hot water to make a sauce. It actually worked. Gramps told me the muffins were dangerously good. Glad they worked.

Have I ever mentioned how refreshing shower is? You get to scrub a shit ton of grease outta your hair and just let it wash away your problems. Also a great place to think. Your housemates or such won't appreciate you hogging all the hot water. Well, I wasn't the only user this time.

I haven't really done anything productive today, I was supposed to watch the Pirates movies, but did I? Nope. Then I thought I could finally continue my ancient Greece themed story. Still not at it. I'm talented at this, aren't I?
This is me going to work and seeing all those customers that are always in a hurry...

And now I have a motherfucking hiccup.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Now know how clothes feel in the washing machine

Well, I can walk upright, I don't need to crawl from pain, but goddamn I'm sore allover. Thankfully I have a short day tomorrow. I really want a shorer day, so I can get to a horizontal position some more. I feel better that way.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

That. Was. BUSY

What a day. I was supposed to get off of work around 4pm, I was called out from the ticket booth right after the break, around 3pm, only to be told to go asking if the Snack Shop or Skaala restaurant needed assistance. I ended up in the pizza buffet and when the INSANE amount of people finally cleared to less crazy level, I clocked out and left home with tired wrists and sore ankles 17:40... Well, it was a nice change and helping around in the kitchen by carrying around plates and sorting out knives and forks was very familiar.

The ride home was wet. It was a heavy downpour. I had nice food waiting for me at home though, shame I hadn't been as early as supposed.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Damn the hurry

Been busy with work, with my sweetheart and just trying to get enough sleep. Now I'm just trying to cope with my aching back, having accidentally pissed off my sweetheart. Watching BBC's Wallander. Perhaps I'll finish inking that Lilith & Hel picture I've been doing for ages.

Slice of Life: Whirlwind end of summer

I'm still rather windswept with everything that happened. Am now a moderator of a doll group, thanks to my ability to detach my emotions...