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Showing posts from July, 2012

When my love and acceptance is not enough

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One of these days when I fear I might suddenly be left alone... To see everything I've worked so hard to put back together, break down again... By the makers.

6 eventful days

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Friday night. Oooooh snap it was fine. Timo and Jani sure rocked the whole double tent. Fanservice, boyish antics and hot guys. Front row for me. I had to ditch my 10cm heeled Vagabonds since the balls of my feet couldn't take it anymore. I thought my legs were broken when I drove home, barefoot. I returned home around 6am.
Few hours of fitful sleep and I was off to Powerpark with  friend, now as a customer. Didn't really try anything new that time, well, La Paloma, a chain carousel. That was scary.
Sunday...  slept like a log and cleaned up. At least tried to. Postponed my visit to mah darling's to Monday after work.
I hate my work. Monday... Well, let's say it didn't start well. A wasp or something stung me beneath my thumbnail. Ow fuck it hurt. Well, my dad, stepmom and halfsister showed up, I got to sell my dad and stepmom their tickets, they had to wait until I got on a break to take them to the maingates and get me and sis wristbands. I overdid it and went to …

Ah, the Friday night was FIIIIINE

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Study history? Become a history teacher? Pfft.

I'm tired to the bone. Physically and mentally. I have been running on empty lately, just few hours' worth of sleep a night and stressful and tiring work. Yeah, some of you would say so what? All I need to do at work is sit and sell people wristbands and entrances.But random hours on random days and the constant fear of making a mistake and receiving the wrath from the customers and boss... That eats my mind away. I have started nearly crying after work few times now. I'm just so sick of it, but I cannot quit. I have less than a month left, last week is actually me working from Sunday to Saturday... I'm afraid to go to work every single morning. Tired of explaining the same things over and over again...
Working in an amusement park is no fun to someone who'd rather sit alone or with their loved one, with no fear of making strangers mad at you or fumbling with money. I'm one of those who'd rather just... do something stupid and simple... But working for the …

Deprived of everything

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Last week was pretty hell-ish. This hasn't been much better either. I can't sleep. I just keep tossing and turning, my eyes sore and heavy, yet I cannot pass out. My brain just keeps whirring and there is no end to that. I just can't fall asleep. It's starting to catch up, as I'm angry as hell at home, but then again...
Gramps was complaining again. That I'm never early in bed (they sometimes go to bed before 10pm). They even think they can order me to go to bed that early. I go to bed early if I'm seriously tired and need all that more or less 12 hours of sleep. I'm running on less than six, just because I can't fall asleep. It was never that hard in Joutseno. Then again, I didn't have grandparents lumbering not-so-quietly through my room 4 times a night. Or granny talking and sometimes even yelling because of the side effects of the meds. Sleep in that.

There is no door between our bedrooms. Nope. Just a curtain. That is always open. I usually n…

Nearly cried while going to work

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And now I am actually crying. Amaterasu... what a sad song.

Aww hell

I think I might have a kidney infection at this rate. I can feel the damn organ very clearly on my side. Guess I must once again rely on painkillers and get some cranberry pills and Panadol tomorrow before work. Sheesh.

Well, more or less feeling better.

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At least my back isn't that much. I'm planning to for a walk and then maybe wash up so I can get ready for karaoke night. Sure, I'm working tomorrow. The next five days in a row, to be exact. I hate that job since I'm have to work on such odd days. From Sunday to Thursday and from Tuesday to Saturday. With less you get confused. I usualy have no clue what day it is when I wake up in the morning.

This ringing in my head now, at least not Adam Lambert anymore...

Of the three "mothers"

Where to start? Maybe I should start with the dumb bitch that brought me to life. My "mother".
She has two sisters and a brother. Her mother never cared for them, they were raised by their grandmother. My granny told me that her stepfather was a grumpy man, he had once swiped the chair from underneath my mother and she had been knocked out.

She was about to marry my dad, when my uncle asked from granny, what the hell my dad saw in her. Granny didn't know either, but told him not to meddle. They told me she was a oddball. Liked foods that made my granny gag and scrunched up her nose to granny's cookings. They lived in Kauhava, not too far from here. She had dogs, a lot, granny said they were ugly as hell. Small and untrained. They had me. Nothing changed.

She didn't like if granny tried to give an advice. She also asked if they were sure the dogs wouldn't jump into my crib. She said of course not, that they were well behaving. Granny turned her back and one …

Barlowgirl - Never Alone

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home

Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all…

I'm ready to gamble that goddamn halo

I'm torn. I bought two tickets to Tulivuorirock Unplugged so I could get to se Timo and Jani again. I love their acoustic shows. That bromance... AHEM.

That is not the issue, they cost 33€, 15€ each plus postage. Not  biggie, I can earn that amount in two days. Issue is the Sonata Arctica concert. My sweetheat REALLY wants to go, and I cannot convince otherwise, I have tried. Thing is, the tickets in advance to the Day 2 are 37€ each. You do the math. Two people plus postage. That takes a bite. Then, the next issue is the goddamn traveling. How toget to Nokia. I don't have the student card. Which makes train tickets OVER HALF cheaper. I need to pay the tickets to the festival and all the travels, and my one way ticket costs as much as those two tickets... I'm pretty much saying no to this right now, but my words fall on deaf ears. I know this will bring up an argument, but I'm serious. I REALLY wish I don't need to drive there, since my car takes a lot of fuel. Sur…

Running in the rainnnnnnnn

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I got completely soaked today, which naturally sucked some major donkey balls. Uploaded some more works into DeviantArt, baked muffins last night. I burned the goddamn chocolates again. AGAIN. I'm giving up on using chocolate to anything. I ended up using my mint chocolate powder, sugar and hot water to make a sauce. It actually worked. Gramps told me the muffins were dangerously good. Glad they worked.

Have I ever mentioned how refreshing shower is? You get to scrub a shit ton of grease outta your hair and just let it wash away your problems. Also a great place to think. Your housemates or such won't appreciate you hogging all the hot water. Well, I wasn't the only user this time.
I haven't really done anything productive today, I was supposed to watch the Pirates movies, but did I? Nope. Then I thought I could finally continue my ancient Greece themed story. Still not at it. I'm talented at this, aren't I? This is me going to work and seeing all those customer…

Now know how clothes feel in the washing machine

Well, I can walk upright, I don't need to crawl from pain, but goddamn I'm sore allover. Thankfully I have a short day tomorrow. I really want a shorer day, so I can get to a horizontal position some more. I feel better that way.

That. Was. BUSY

What a day. I was supposed to get off of work around 4pm, I was called out from the ticket booth right after the break, around 3pm, only to be told to go asking if the Snack Shop or Skaala restaurant needed assistance. I ended up in the pizza buffet and when the INSANE amount of people finally cleared to less crazy level, I clocked out and left home with tired wrists and sore ankles 17:40... Well, it was a nice change and helping around in the kitchen by carrying around plates and sorting out knives and forks was very familiar.

The ride home was wet. It was a heavy downpour. I had nice food waiting for me at home though, shame I hadn't been as early as supposed.

Damn the hurry

Been busy with work, with my sweetheart and just trying to get enough sleep. Now I'm just trying to cope with my aching back, having accidentally pissed off my sweetheart. Watching BBC's Wallander. Perhaps I'll finish inking that Lilith & Hel picture I've been doing for ages.