Monday, April 30, 2012

I'll sleep when I'm dead

If the world gets in my face...

...I say: Have a nice day.

Saturday went differently than planned, but loved it anyway. I (once again) managed to take up too much time and we got to the bar around 9 or so, never had the chance to get to sing some karaoke, when The Valiants came to set up their gear. Gotta admit, 70's rock is actually good. Catchy as hell. Met some interesting people, but most importantly, got to spend time with my sweetheart. That is the only thing that matters.

Sunday was a different day. We went to Vaasa, visited my sister and nephew, plus a friend living there. Had fun, despite getting lost (nothing a good look at the map couldn't fix) twice. The weather was pretty much perfect: sunny and warm. Blasting Bon Jovi's greatest hits from the stereos. Listening those now too, actually. I spent the night elsewhere than home, which felt heavenly. Too restless to sleep properly though.

Went to the workshop pretty much on time (more or less) and we all ended up just doing nothing. Now I'm sitting here, while others are partying hard out there. I'm tired but content. Alcoholic mead, but one glass isn't gonna tip me over (haven't eaten much).  I'll go get the Pommac now. Maybe put a movie rolling, dunno. This is my preparation to MayDay. I'm actually planning to clean up, sitting here in the new Cain's Offering shirt and my pajama pants.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Hear me call your name

Trying to find out if any nightclubs are open tomorrow, but most likely not. Karaoke time tonight <3

Friday, April 27, 2012

Sleep with one eye open

Karaoke tomorrow, maybe even day after tomorrow. Dunno. This time I'll sing Enter Sandman. My voice is perfectly hoarse at the moment. Yup, I still have the goddamn cough. Joanna suggested that I sing two songs, but I usually go with 3 per night, two might be fine since there will be a band performing there tomorrow night, they are called The Valiants. Dunno what to expect. Duo Tornado on Halloween was awesome, those two guys were so unpredictable it was hilarious!

Some memory from the Easter. It's MayDay soon <3 Mead and better tasting donuts.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I write the lines you want me to

Few nights ago I was supposed to post this, but I got distracted. I used to have a photo album filled with cards. From musicians. My father and maybe even my uncle used to bring them to me. Some of them were signed for me specifically. I find it endearing. Now, I'm collecting some on my own. I have autographs from the tango king Marko Maunuksela, Antti Railio (with compliments of my rack), Timo Kotipelto and twice from Jani Liimatainen. Third time I got my rack signed, shame it was sweltering summer. Oh well, I'd rather not remember THAT. I was dared to do it. Fuck I'm a dope.

Couldn't find Marko's autograph. It's here SOMEWHERE.

Breathtaking butterfly chose the wrong day to live

Had a rather calm day at the kitchens today. My legs are killing me, since I had to stand while bake. Big thanks to Maikku for help too. Feeling miserable with the weird feeling throat and blocked nose. Well, belting out FullMoon twice, My Land and Hunting High And Low weren't such a good idea.
I finished the Cain's Offering shirt I have been painting. And yes, it is meant to be uneven-ish.
I'll get you better pictures once I take 'em.
It's +18C outside, no wonder I'm sweating like a rock star here. This was fluttering at our yard as I came home. These are such beauties.

Monday, April 23, 2012

You have to finish what you started

Well, I cleaned up the floors in the workshop. Started my Cain's Offering shirt. That's all I've accomplished today. It was surprisingly warm day, I was shocked when I went outside and it was +16C all of a sudden. The psychologist appointment went fine too. Maybe I could get a tattoo this summer. Dunno.
The job gives me creeps already. I'm so confused where to go in the morning and stuff like that. The psychologist thinks I will be perfect for the ticket booth, but I'm not so positive about it. I don't know can I work at the workshop meantime until the end of my contract. It's starting to grate my nerves too.
I don't know should I go to Ikaalinen, to the entrance exams at all... I really don't know.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Give me the eyes -so I see

I think I don't have a fever, but my whole body is tender. And I'm bored again. Really. Don't know what to do, I have shit to do but starting from somewhere is always hard. Been replaying this like crazy, can't help it.

It's too good. Don't Say a Word, The Misery, My Selene, 8th Commandment and The Vice have difficult days ahead. Caleb got dropped all thanks to The Misery, but DAMN does I Have a Right sound AWESOME. Enough with the Sonata fangirlism for a moment.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Can't hold the devil down

I have a job now. Lots of things to remember, too much, actually. Powerpark is big, I barely remember where to go every morning. Great. Oh well. Maybe I can learn how to use the register.
Second issue is that I wanna go to sing karaoke, but I have no company.

Heard this a while ago on the radio and now I desreperately wanna sing it in karaoke.

Friday, April 20, 2012

You give me your worst

Sore throat. I found my gloves and hat. From home. Fuck. My. Life. I'm not a happy camper, really. I need to be at Powerpark by 10am tomorrow. Some of the stress is gone, calling my sweet helped a lot. I'm a real bitch when stressed out and tired, making me even more irritable. I swipe at people verbally when I'm tired of everybody goofing off around me. My patience has limits.
The workshop is tiring me out. I'm guessing the schools I've gone through have made me more serious. At senior high you had to take things seriously in order to make it. *sigh* Wish life was easier.  It will never be, that I know by fact.

Go ahead, make my day.

Everytime I sing

Thursday, April 19, 2012

We are gonna scream until we're satisfied

Tiring day, even though all I did was drive to Vaasa, sat on my ass, then took a short shopping trip until returning behind the wheel. Though, I forgot my vest, gloves and hat to the workshop, I paid the price. The wind gave me a headache. Nasty one. My eyes feel weird and I'm woozy after I took a painkiller and the ache went away. Feels like I'm being torn in separate directions. Body demands sleep, mind screams to give in to the panic and my heart yearns to stay here, chatting away with my dear. I don't know what to listen anymore. I wonder how much more a person can take until they get a nervous breakdown.

That is how I feel when I must go somewhere new, all alone. Sometimes even when I'm going with somebody.

Just being is easy. Living is another story, it's so much harder.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I'm choking on this life

So, I'm not nearly as nervous about the trip to Vaasa tomorrow, as I thought I'd be. Not happy about being scorned after I was a bit too slow to comprehend the route.
I've got to go to the Powerpark on Saturday, I do not know when my job starts. I would have a psychologist appointment on Monday, but now I'm just not sure can I get there.
Another issue is my schools. Invitation to one, some shit to write to others. From three others, nothing. Kemi-Tornio, SAMK and Saimaa are silent as a grave. I was disappointed with Lappia when what I wanted to study was not in the paper, stone and jewelry. Clothing options alright. I love designing them, I just don't have much experience in making them.

Everything is happening so fast right now. Too fast. Makes me wonder if I get some minor anxiety attacks every now and then when the stress levels rise sky high. Better head to bed before I really start bawling out of stress and anxiety. I don't do well under these conditions. I just wanna hide from the world right now... TOO FAST!

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

Refound my love for Christina Aguilera's song 'Hurt'. That song along with the music video that makes me cry every single time, make me remember the few good childhood memories I have. All of them with my dad.

My parents divorced when I was 7 months old. My uncle pretty much saw it coming, he didn't see what my dad saw in that woman. Neither do I. Dad was controlled by her. I seriously thought he had enough backbone, but custody shit always favor the mother. She didn't really look after me and some weeks later after moving back to her hometown (forgetting me in my carriage outside the store for a long time) after failing to raise me, she called dad to come and get his brat outta there. My lucky strike. For a while.

They fetched me here, dad and granny, who raised me together, but dad was always distant to me, until I learned the truth of my family. I was in school already, when I probably called him dad for the first time. He worked as a chef in the hotel's restaurant in the town. When I first came into this little village, granny told me I never played, laughed or even smiled. It took a few weeks of me almost laughing and then suddenly growing serious, as if remembering that I was not supposed to do that. Who knows what she did to me when I was a toddler. Granny said that once I started smiling, I never really stopped. Until I came to understand how easy some people had it with their families.

I remember how dad always had time for me. We would play badminton or throw darts, he'd tell jokes or just be there. When he met my stepmother, I was happy. I would have a chance to have a mother. She would treat me nice and play with me too, I befriended her son, who soon became like a big brother to me. I felt like I had a family. Dad moved in with her, when she lived in Viitasaari. Shit just likes to hit the fan hard.

Once summer we were going to go to Sweden, leaving 3am in order to make it to Turku in time. Dad got a call from his friend that he and two others wanted to go bar hopping to Kuortane, if he could drive them there. I had a bad feeling and begged dad not to go. He just petted me and said that it's fine. That was the last day that the father I knew and loved was there.

We had just reached Turku, when my uncle called our family friend who was the only relative with a cell phone, the couple we were traveling with. My dad and his friends had been in an accident, collided with a moose. The owner of the car, a good friend to us all had not worn a seat belt and was tossed out of the car through the broken windshield. He would have survived if the car had not landed in top of his upper body, (on wheels) suffocating him. Dad was hit worst. He was in the ICU for 10 days before he woke up. That hospital was already painstakingly familiar for the sickly me, now even more so. He remembered me and recognized me when he woke up.

Since it was a head injury, he was more or less coherent, but at least he was alive. The two from the backseat were only scraped, they had called for help. They married some time after it but have divorced some years back. He is the only friend of my dad and late uncle who still keeps in touch.
He never regained his old self, having lost some of his balance and his right arm does not function properly still.

Dad continued on with his life, I was overjoyed when I heard I was going to be a bigsister. Having lived so long as the only child had its perks and downsides. Once I planned on moving to live with them, after elementary, but then I got some friends and stayed here. They visited less and less and we didn't visit them often as granny was feeling worse. Soon it became once a year. Dad even sent social services after us when I remained there. I don't know how much of his talks are from my stepmother, who is not much better from my real mother, but at least she knows how to be one. They were there when I was forced to go through the confirmation. But they weren't there when I graduated. Not at the party either. Granny had just been in a massive heart surgery, when she was in my confirmation at the church and later at the party.

My sister, who is 9 years younger than me, has never known dad like I have done. To her dad has always been unable to do certain tasks and to me, father was the one who goofed around and played with me, made me happy.

It is easy for him to criticize how I have been raised. He has not dealt with teens. That is what gramps said after I had snapped at him and dad was rather shocked how I acted towards my gramps. He took it as nothing, having raised two boys past teens. Very easy for them to whine to me for not doing my part of things here. They do not know me, how messed up I have become, how I feel when I return after the 6 hour day at the workshop back here.

Not many understand me. Sad thing is, none of them is a blood relative.

Sometimes I just wanna hide cause it's you I miss


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

We will be together, without them, forever

Tired Silverblue is tired.

Pay heed the squall

This is how I'm gonna be tomorrow. I have a day off. Currently I stink of even more sheep. Did a strap to the Sonata bag I made for my special someone, who is having a bad day. Let's see if I can make it all better.

Old pic of me, I don't look any prettier. Actually, even worse now. Can't look into the mirror anymore without feeling sick.

Live with the black sheep, live me with me

Quite literally. I smell of wool and Marseille soap. Not a nice combination. I did not feel like million bucks when I got back. On top of all, granny was dizzy, so I had to stay awake two hours just in order to help her out and help with the cooking. I failed the cooking part. Again. When I went to bed (I drooled in my sleep like a coma patient, honestly!), I felt like these had attacked me:

My patience today amazed me. Mostly people complained about having to deal with real sheep wool, I do find it comforting somehow, the scent/smell, I've taken care of a black sheep for a while as a kid, cow dung doesn't make me grimace much either. We had a dairy farm. Sure, the smell of wet wool and soap isn't nice when it clings you and in your home, you still can smell it on your skin. Sure enough I want to go and soak in a shower. Can't have a shower. Only sauna. FML.

Dunno what they thought when I was listening metal and picking the wool with the needle in a furious pace. I recall a comment: What a machine! What? San Sebastian from Sonata Arctica is one of the best for that. As Don't Say a Word is most suitable for twisting copper wire into rings and getting them ready for sawing. I have weird habits, I know. Gah, I was elbows deep in that wool... I'm SO scrubbing myself clean tomorrow.

A letter from Lappia arrived finally. interestingly, the both schools I got something from so far I applied for clothing... Do they want me to become a fashion designer and a seamstress? Howeveryouwritethatshit.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The mystery of death before us

"I do not wish any elfling ever again to go through what us three went through... I do not remember my father's face... I never knew did Inesat remember either of them... Mother didn't even see her youngest when someone killed her right by our home gate... That smile Inesat had... as if she knew I would change my mind about elflings..." he more or less talked to himself, but he was too confused.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Running around naked

Well, not really. Had to fix mah bras. I was about to clean today, but like always, that plan fell apart at some point. Haven't accomplished much. Gramp bought storage boxes that would fit under a bed. But damn, they did not fit under our couches. The plan backfired, seriously.
I got a new stone clock. It was a shade of green, I actually cannot tell what stone is it, the previous one was rose quartz. And salt stone candle "cup". It's damn heavy, but with a candle inside, it looks cool. A glowing rock. Heeeeeeee.
Ok, enough with the weird shit. I got a new mood ring too and something that I don't have a name for. The heat of the candle is supposed to rotate it. It has light pink roses dangling from it. I likes. Gramps said it was hard to buy anything for me since the expert (meaning me) wasn't there. He didn't dare to wake me up at shit early in the morning.

Friday, April 13, 2012

History of times to come

We got to listen the candidates for Pajarock. Some of the bands were good. I was surprised by the amount of bad English though. And by the fact I gave 5 points to a death metal band, despite their song pretty much breaking down at the end. Few promising bands too.
It was rather rare that I kept my mouth shut and didn't complain the whole day. Well, once, but my right knee has started messing around with me again. I need the knee brace and THAT causes painful cramps at nights.
Letter from Ikata arrived. I was invited to a trial or sorts. I gotta present a product there and they pretty much decide is the applicant motivated enough. Well, it is for textile shit, but still... No word from the north, Tornio. I'm kind of irked about that.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Simply the best

It lives! My car radio works again! And now I know how to fix it when it does it again <3

This baby is my dream car. I even have a poster of it. 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500. Ironically, my significant other claims -67 Chevy Impala as The Fave. I think Supernatural might have something to do with it. Or not. I can openly blame Gone In 60 Seconds for this.

I just wanna live

Oh boy... The bug in the radio is unfixable. It'd cost 2000€ to get a new radio, because the rest of the electronics are in the same screen. Mother of god gramps can be an ass. We both are grumpy because granny woke us up by screaming at 5am... Going to the Toyota garage isn't gonna help anything, it just blows up faster then. Sooooooo... Akkuliike it is. Fuck this shit. I just want my CD back. The car would be totaled if it was Sonata. Almost put Silence into the CD slot on Monday. Thank god didn't.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Drop it on me

Sent my cousin her birthday present. The drawing wasn't too good, two pink hairpins, a pen with 4 colors and 20€. I know what she's gonna like the most.
I need to drive to Tropiclandia next week, I'm not feeling too happy about it. Workshop event of somesorts. I do bet paid for it. I've been postponing my car cleanup for ages. Actually... Haven't cleaned it after my year in Joutseno... Whoops? Well, the weathers have been shit.

Oh well, I'm off to wonder am I having another allergic reaction to something...

There's nothing else I can say

I told to the cabby yo ho, smell you later

Pretty much my reaction for today.
I managed to oversleep this morning, but I wasn't overly late, the gals were still outside, smoking, when I trudged in. No recollection of turning off the alarm whatsoever. One helluva WTFOMG!-morning. Measured and cut 13 bags, cut up some bananas and cucumbers at the surprise kitchen duty.
The one I made the kitten painting for was supposed to come to the meeting, but I left pretty early, she didn't show up. Damn. I want money.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Sitting in the corner all alone...

This is pretty much how I felt last night. Damn.
My second youngest cousin asked if I could get to her birthday party on Thursday. Shame that Rantsila is that far away and I'll be working anyway. Promised to make a drawing and send shopping money ^^ 20€ is a lot to a 10-year-old, but I think she can use it well, she seems smart, after she got past the bratty phase. She used to hit me in the back at her bigsister's confirmation party. It hurt! Tiny fist thumping nastily on the junction of spine and ribs. I gotta draw her a summer them image, horse carriage and Hello Kitty. Wonder who's driving.
Car radio is down. Goddamnit. Got two nice candle holders though, they look Asian and I fell in love with those the second Tuulia showed them to me at the workshop. Also nicked three necklaces that would either go to be undone for new jewelry, or we could take 'em to ourselves. I spotted two Chinese ones and took them, ignoring Helka's request to get the other. I'm selfish, I know. Couldn't resist. Now I feel like doing Chinese type paintings on Japanese calligraphy paper. Fuck da police.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Tell me the color of the rain

Well it was white. Huge, white, fluffy snowflakes.
I also met a spider last night. Should have done this:

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Diving from the sky above

Do I need to say more?Our jokes while waiting for these guys got a little outta hand and X-rated. They weren't helping.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

She says we gotta hold on to what we got

The goddamn sun woke me up again shit early in the morning. The bar opens around 11pm. I need a nap to be able to stay awake the whole gig. Yup, I'm going to see Timo Kotipelto and Jani Liimatainen tonight with the special someone. Again. Those guys must recognize us by now, may even feel like they'd have two stalkers.
My Easter barley is alive!

Friday, April 6, 2012

This is the beat

Just watched Fast & Furious 5. WHAAAAAT A MOVIE! I love fast and cool cars, even though I think it's the driver that matters the most, not the car.

The sun is shining bright

Woke up this morning to look out the window, without my glasses, and all I saw was more snow. Woah. Not that I mind, I don't like spring or autumn, spring because everything is wet and muddy, fall because I have to face all the downsides of living along a narrow road that leads to the fields. FML.
Bought grapes yesterday, I had been craving them for a week. I ate one and saw stars. I guess I just gotta take it like a man.
Gotta try to rub off the remains of the Real Red hairdye from my hairline and all. Also noticed today that I REALLY need to start jogging or something. Holy mother of... I need the corset to fit into my fave jeans. If only I had the backbone to actually do what I want. Wait, need.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Brightest colors fade to gray

Well, not anymore. Bought some hairdye and now I finally got it redyed bright red. People keep saying red is so my color and that it suits me better than my original haircolor, which is sad but true. Had a decent day, tired day, but decent. Painted my fish I crafted in the workshop, watched a movie with the rest. It wasn't overly boring and miserable for a Finnish movie. It just seems that Mikko Leppilampi is in every damn movie.
Gosh my hands are dry... Yesterday's kitchen duty didn't do good, since I had to wash my hands DAMN often. Plus that I have hot and dry air blowing right on my freezing hands in the car isn't really helping.
Gramps bought frames for the copy of the kitten painting. Wow.

There the kitten is.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

When my whole being cries

Back from a nap.

"You say I am unbreakable
I cannot die,
I know, but anyway
The words, they maim me"

While I was measuring and cutting paper bags from a roll of wallpaper, Sonata Arctica's edited version of Wolf and Raven came up on my MP3. Two parts of the lyrics hit me hard and once again, realized Tony had made a song that even small part of the lyrics fit me. It is rather scary, but what you can do.

"I tried to be like everyone
Open my soul
But what I had to give
Resulted loathing"

That above happens to me too often nowadays. Kinda sad to some, but... It's so everyday with me I'm lost.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Save yourself a penny for the ferryman

Underworld is never quiet. It is filled with the sounds of Kérberos and Hekáte's hellhounds, moans of the dead souls mourning the beauty they lost, cries of the tortured souls within the Pit of Tartarus, all those sounds of anguish are ignored as if every immortal deity was deaf. The new souls would go mad with the lack of light and hearing only the screams of the dead or the captured Titans imprisoned within the impenetrable granite walls.

If I'm an offering good enough for you

Wow. Just received a text message from the ticket-sale boss from Powerpark. She wasn't kidding that I'd be the first whom to contact if there will be a vacancy as the ticket salesperson. There'd be a spot now. I'm rather contradicted, since I found more interesting place, but the window and door manufacturer won't be announcing anything in ages. I don't know which way is up. Accepted the place so far... It is left to be seen does this drive me crazy in a week like the telemarketing summer job did.

Currently trying to listen some music and ignore my granny, who has nearly constant verbal diahrrea. Not that I'd want her to keep her mouth shut, it's just that she's always talkng nonsense to me. Letting the rambles pass through my ears is what I do, constantly, but it is rather tiring. I don't care of the soap operas or what shows she watched, even the old memories she brings up aren't new to me. It comes sadly clear that she doesn't really have anyone else to talk to, but me and gramps.

Things seem to be going better, now that I'm shutting up as much as I can in the workshop. It's the least I can do. I know my sense of humor is more cruel and twisted than some Finns and I whine and bitch when I'd have (in my priorities) more important things to do. Decided I keep my trap shut. Easiest solution to maaaaaany things.

I don't always realize when I'm hurting people, I really don't. I seemingly lash out unconsicously at people, verbally. Makes me feel like I never do anything right, I keep screwing up and that makes me more and more scared to do things, because I don't want to make mistakes and fuck things up again and again. Life is never simple, but for someone like me, who is lost with herself and drowns in different feelings at once, life is a nightmare. I feel all those eyes on me, ready to drop the blade of the guillotine or bring the axe down on my neck. Problem is, they use dull blades and even duller axes. Life is kind of a slow, agonizing death by an amateur executioner.

They leave behing so many shadows

Just finished putting preserver on 4 puzzles. One Pegasus puzzle, it's absolutely stunning, plus three Egypt puzzles, triangular, that form a single image. All gorgeous, but thanks to my grandparents, the Egypt puzzle pieces were mixed up and it took me ages to get them. Two of them were already finished by the time the pieces were mixed... I wasn't a happy camper when I found out. They are still not correct, but I'm too tired to try to get them right again. Maybe in my new home ^^

Before I put on the preserver. It took me three Transformers movies to finish ^^

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Sleep can be eternal

Slept 12 hours again. I should not get used to it. I cannot. I'm still kind of drowzy, which I hate. They say hate is a strong word, no-one can truly hate. I bed to differ though, but then again, I never do things like other people do, I see things differently.  I don't overly enjoy socializing because of this, as I've never learned to keep my opinions to myself. Starting to. I'm have to. Getting sick and tired of being in trouble because of my motor mouth.
I'm supposed to unload myself here, but dunno where to start. You can always ask, though. I don't want to end up rambling anything trivial. Not that I'm not doing it already, sheesh.
Had to change the name, Purple Teardrops is all Lady Gaga, who is one of my faves, the actual reason to take the pic I have as the userpic. Anyway, this sounds more original. At least to me.

Full of power, I'm spreading my wings

Returned from the trip almost an hour ago, left the bar two hours ago. I sang Hunting High And Low, didn't trust myself enough with Enter Sandman or Reasons. For the first time in my life, I nailed it. Seriously. It sounded good to my own ears and even few others started to sing along. Got good backing vocals. Felt hyped and humbled. It's not the first, once people screamed along to Fullmoon, and usually only It's My Life gets that much noise outta the crowd. Wow. This was a good day. For a change.

Slice of Life: Whirlwind end of summer

I'm still rather windswept with everything that happened. Am now a moderator of a doll group, thanks to my ability to detach my emotions...