Thursday, August 28, 2014

Busy three weeks...

Been working on a stand for the event this weekend. We both have worked our asses off and the teachers joked once too many and I flew off the handle, yelling at them to go to hell so we could continue building. It might have cost me the best grade, but at least one of the teachers realized they had gone too far and the crowd laughing at our stand was then dispersed. This is the pic of the still unfinished stand. It's simply held up  by duct tape and tables as supports behind the walls.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Two more days

And I'm a nervous wreck. Had a partial breakdown at work over a silly little thing. Reflective yarn, since I was untangling it, they thought it was too hard for me to spin it. Of course the boss said it's not my fault, since I wasn't trained, but still it hurt like a ton of bricks. I've been moodswingy lately, I put it all on hormones, stress and the heatwave.
People keep saying that place would be a perfect place for me to work, but I've started to heavily think otherwise. First of all, I want away from here and if I stay, it's off of my dream of leaving all this behind. I want to move to Kemi and start a life there with my sweet and our cat. I'm so torn between making my room look homey again or packing the rest of the shit away...
I've been doing steadily worse and worse in there as well, at least that's how it feels to me. I just... I just want it to be over with and get my peace back. I'm not cut out for working 9 to five, which I'm literally doing.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

My poor nerves

Granny has been quite a handful lately. Jesus.
Last night, it was after midnight when the doorbell suddenly rang. Granny had completely forgot we have a proper bathroom and had ventured out in pitch dark and gone to the outhouse. And had locked herself out...
This morning, like yesterday, the first thing she did upon waking up was laugh out LOUD, waking me up before I was supposed to... Needless to say, I'm extra irked right now and listening to some music to try to keep my shit together for work. It's getting hard, I need sleep and I need silence. There's not that in here. I just want to move in with my fiancée, my cat and live in peace, away from granny and gramps.

Been listening to this the whole morning to prevent myself from killing someone. I'm just so fucking done with this. Seems like I need to take over upstairs with my laptop tonight, no matter what else I wanna do until my legs are better again. Fuck me sideways...

Friday, July 18, 2014

Tulivuorirock Unplugged vol 3

Third year in a row we are going there, this time for Jarkko Ahola and Timo Rautiainen & Jussi Lampi. My heels are killing me and I had a good day, until I was once again reminded that I don't know everything that is going on in the store. Now I feel like shit and wanna cry and crawl into a hole to die. I know what to make them as a thank you. A crocheted box with a modeling clay heart inside, within the heart, is a message, but only visible if they break it. Within the heart I'm gonna quote The 69 Eyes song Red. Blood red ornate heart in a black carpet rag crocheted box.
Hopefully you'll get what you wanted 
And hopefully you'll get what you need 
Red is like you always told me 
The colour of what is real 

When something is broken 
Left wide open 
Don't say you need me it's too late 
I cannot say 
When something is broken (broken) 
Left wide open 
Don't say you need me it's too late 
I cannot say 
When something is broken 

Monday, July 14, 2014

ALRIGHT! This White Devil thing has gone far enough!


Had barbeque party on Saturday, had blast, played mölkky half of the night and stuffed ourselves. My diet so crashed, but we all needed to unwind. It was relaxing and it was a bit shame that one of our group couldn't make it, she is perhaps the most missed.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Need to vent out

It's the moments like these, when I start to think, what the actual fuck do I want from my life. Well, I sure as hell don't have the answers. I don't know. I've always been let off the hook easily, while other kids did household chores to earn pocket money, I didn't even understand why they would do that. Sure, I did things, but all I got was a pat to the head and few kind words. I rarely got money. I did was I knew best. Played and sprung forth the power of my imagination. Sometimes, it was a bad thing, since I got nightmares easily.

I did try to work hard at the first grade, after being an arrogant bitch during  preschool and such. My classmates (which included a grade above us) mocked me for "overdoing" my homework. Nobody told me how much to do and since I knew how to do them, I did. After that, it went downhill. There were only few subject where I did my homework, but it lessened every year. I've practically gotten through my schools by doing nothing.

Sure, at the amusement park, I was have to work hard and it was more pleasant working than picking strawberries. I'm lazy and just... hopeless. I usually leave everything at the last minute and it always comes around to bite me in the ass and I spent a week with not much sleep and push through.

I just want to... be. Exist. Be somebody. Mean something. And in the end, I'd rather be nobody, just... retreat back to my imaginary worlds and to the only person who seems to genuinely have the patience.
Yeah, I know, I need money and I need a job for that. I'm just such a loser it's a miracle I even got to the place I'll be practicing the next month. They were right. They all were fucking right... I'm nothing... I'm just a kid with too wild imagination and no sense of reality, coupled with bitchy attitude. I fucking give up.

Friday, June 13, 2014


Watching Transformer 2, like these movies. Gotta love Bumblebee. Been busy, had my hair cut short, hurt my knee, it's still busted. Jumped off the rock with my cat and it bent backwards. If it still doesn't get better during this weekend, I think I need to see the doctor.

The band project... is on standstill. I  have serious doubts of this project, nothing is working. NOTHING. He got us a guitarist who looked like fucking weedjack hipster and had the most suspicious fb I've ever encountered.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Back in personal hell

Back in home village, I'm ready to cry everytime I look at our cat, he's such a darling. Evil, but I love him. Went to buy a pair of jeans, returned with something else, but at least I have new pants. And met a friend, ran into her in the clothes' store.
Also took up playing Anno Online. Decent game, a bit slow, but entertaining. I wish I could have played Ancient version, but Medieval works too.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

That ruined even my next year...

I can't be here the next year. Only until Christmas. Fuck this fucking shit. She needs me the whole year, especially during the spring. And I can't be there... Can I cry now?

Monday, May 12, 2014

So, I'm in a real band project now...

...sure, it's giving me anxiety attacks, but damn, he can compose and already composed one of my songs. He sure kicked things into gear, already ordered band shirts and there's just us two, no bassist, guitarist, nothing.

And we are very tight on money this month. VERY tight on money...

Friday, May 9, 2014

The usual shite.

I make enemies as I go. With or without trying. They just can't handle me.

Yes. I just be myself and they fly off the handle. People up here can't take the truth that has hardly any effect on people in my hometown. I'm not changing my attitude because few teens get upset.

Bitch to me all you want, little shits. I don't actually care if you'll hate me, ignore me or just act plain bitch towards me.
In the end, silent treatment from other people is good, I didn't wanna talk to them in the first place.
That's what I've been seeking for years. People steering clear away from me, since I don't care about them.
When they TRY to contact me...
Hmm, wonder was that all? Fuck this, fuck that, fuck them in particular.

This could be my new motto:

Tuesday, April 29, 2014


I've been Oulun Kärpät fan for 11 years now and they won their 6th championship last Saturday. I'm hyped, been screaming, smiling like an idiot. They have the championship party today. Starts in half an hour. Problem? I'm not there. Gramps once promised to take me there, he never did, they won 3 championships after the promise and didn't take me. Well, now I have a car and all... I don't have the fuel or the money. Not much money altogether. I'm upset about that. I'm 150 or so kilometers away from the party of my dreams... and I can't get there. Now if you excuse me, I drown my sorrows to tea... put on my pajamas and maybe cry a bit.

Friday, April 25, 2014


Surely an interesting day. Myself, I've been sitting at my laptop the whole day, working on a draft for the final work's literal part. I still don't understand why WE need to send it to the Finnish teacher while the tour guides didn't, but oh well. I can manage to write the official form easily enough and I can make it so that the Finnish teacher won't understand. I'm gonna give them hell.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Desperation rises

The final work is turning to be a nightmare before I've even started it. I'm being honest here. Everything needs to be very official, which of course I can write, but I don't understand what the hell the Finnish teacher has to do with this. Oh well... I'm gonna hit them so hard I knock them to next week.

I picked up some watercolor paper for the better version of the background ice on the Phoenixe and just sent emails to two weaveries in my hometown. Other one answered right away and it could be possible to get in there to practice, since the store I tried is too slow to answer and I can't be there the whole time. It's gonna sap my whole summer, but at least I get the student support from that time. That matters quite a lot. Now I'm just waiting for the teacher to finish the little talk and come help me on how to reply.

Had an interesting few days. On Tuesday/Wednesday night, my fiancée got a stomach ache that was getting worse and worse until around 2am I called to the hospital and they told me to call an ambulance. Well, the pretty hot guys came and after a brief examination, offered painkillers and asked if she wanted them to take her to the hospital, if her stomach aches are unbearable, but she chose not to, so I was advised to call them again if she went worse. Needless to say we slept around 3 hours and in the morning, as advised, went to the Tervola hospital. She was hooked up on painkillers and did some tests, but they sent her to Kemi hospital for better examination. We waited some time for the cab to take her, but we were informed it'd take until 3pm for it to arrive, so I leaped to the chance and said I'd drive. Of course I was an idiot and didn't ask for papers to cover MY expenses. At this point we were only given a sandwich, yogurt and milk. Last time we ate had been before midnight. And the lunchtime was around 2pm...
Well off to Kemi and more examinations and tossing us around to different departments... until the last doctor after 6pm took her in for few minutes, told it was a bacterial infection and if left untreated, it could have been a urinal tract infection. Antibiotics and we were outta there around 6:30pm. I had alerted a friend who lived nearby and once we told we were out and that she was fine, they invited us over and cooked for us. The food vanished very quickly. We also got to pet their cats, the old lady Peppi and the tiny terrorist Isla. Kitty therapy is very good and she was in high spirits after that. It was a big relief we got out and she slept the whole next day while I was working on my final assignment, screwing up and getting myself in a tired tirade over petty things. I'm still irked.
I also should be trying to get some fuel money back, but it looks so complicated I'm giving up. My phone call phobia (I can't call to some places, 112 (or 911 as other know it) and the ER are the few easy places to call out of my friend circle) is high and I get a hoarse voice every time I talk to the phone, so I'm not calling Kela and ask what the hell should I do, because I don't understand their papers. I really don't.

Who made life this difficult and complicated? I'll go throttle the one to blame. Damnit!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Sorry for the delay

Though I don't think there's anyone reading this. Been sick for a long time and not in 100% health right now, mentally I'm completely empty and drained. We were supposed to have this art history class in the ceramics department, but we are in my department, after a brief confusion. I also was sore and tired last night and got a cold shoulder when we went to bed. Though the silent treatment and early takeoff was all my fault, it hurts like hell. This is one of these days when I'm getting the darker thoughts. Seeeeriously dark thoughts. I'm getting tired of this.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Monday, January 27, 2014

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Slice of Life: Whirlwind end of summer

I'm still rather windswept with everything that happened. Am now a moderator of a doll group, thanks to my ability to detach my emotions...