Limbo, my old friend

 Jesus Christ. I just can't take this shit anymore. 

I've been on suspension from my unemployment support until yesterday. Everything's fucked up. At least the bills and rent should be covered. I regret everything. I can't deal with reality right now... I did reapply to the unemployment support yesterday, dunno did I do it too early, I don't understand the jargon they use very well. 

Heck, I don't understand anything. I applied to two more jobs, even though mentally, I'm NOT in the right space for them. Well, I got to the first interview but haven't heard back for all week, so I guess I did not get through. Other hasn't replied. Eh, fine. They were too good to work out. It's me, everything's supposed to go to hell. I agonize and have anxiety over not having a job, I agonize and have anxiety over MAYBE getting a job. See why I'm absolutely tired of this shit of a life we are stuck in.

Friends did come together for us when I asked if they could donate some money for a drawing pad. Well, we got the amount. And -two- friends sent us their old drawing pads they don't use anymore. We've tested the first that came in last week. Works like a charm. Another is coming from Thailand so it's gonna take a while. Jenni's Christmas/birthday present. We are mainly traditional artists and crafters, but some things are easier with a drawing pad. It was fun. 

My next cause of anxiety is the fucking report I had to do of my "business" of selling little shit on Etsy. That could land me in a lot of trouble with a lot of things and as much as I love doing it and giving people what they might need... I... Sometimes I think what's the use doing anything online... But the things we do... it's mainly for our enjoyment... we share shit for a few friends to see... I shouldn't take pressures for it... After Pohjantähti-opisto, my mental state has crumbled like a damn cookie.

My therapy is on Monday. Couldn't be sooner... but it's in a whole new place and going to new places alone gives me anxiety. Jenni has a dentist at the exact same time. I feel... hopeless right now and scared. Part of me wishes I could just be a child again and curl up onto granny's lap. 

Speaking of, she has Alzheimer's. She's... well, she hasn't really gone worse, but she isn't going better either. I feel guilty for wanting to be elsewhere, when I should be helping gramps with her... Even though she told me, when she was still lucid, that it's not my responsibility to look after them, that I'm allowed to have a life of my own. But my dad can't help. Who else would... look after them?

So, mentally, I'm in a limbo. Financially, we are still in a limbo. I'm an absolute wreck. I've just focused on comics again, should do other things as well... I... I need to set myself work times I guess.

Well I fucked up royally.

 It's been a while and boy has it been a roller coaster. Pohjantähti-opisto went well. Smoothly I'd say. I loved it. Trying to learn new skills, relaxed environment, people appreciating what I did. 

Then my contract ended. Ok, spent the summer chilling, then started doing the mandatory job applications. Two places said yes. Lidl across the street, a fast paced store with a lot of stuff, but a good training. And a fabric store. They hired us on the spot. 

I was already anxious about it and the week we started, I couldn't sleep. I had turned Lidl down to choose my own field. I regret a lot of things. 

Found out surprisingly fast paced, well established store where you know decently only half of the merchandise (and my knowledge was quite outdated with some yarns) and that kicked me in the guts. I couldn't sleep well, I could barely eat. Was told I was bad at cleaning, not a perfectionist enough (my coworker had barely time to tell me what to do properly) and I had to learn about the fabrics super fast or I'd be no help. Those struck deep and I just imploded mentally. I cried after both 7 hour workdays before I even made it to the car. Everyone was shocked, wife, me, family, friends.

I found out the word for what I'm prone to: catastrophizing. Overthinking and expecting the worst and that, combined with stress, low self-confidence, almost constant self-criticism and loathing, very little sleep and anxiety over new things and I went into the deep end. I had a panic attack. I tried getting myself a sick leave, but the boss called before that, already upset my wife was off for another day due to a removed tooth. I said I might be able to come, but I just had a panic attack. She got upset more and said what use are we if we are gonna be on sick leave constantly and said it better she undoes our contracts. 

Turns out, she mixed us up again, most likely, as it was my wife, who got fired. I assumed it meant both of us and had a breakdown again. I quit later that day, with 2 days of sick leave. I think I'm in trouble with the unemployment office. The monetary support ban is 30 or 45 days in these cases. I hope... 

I could have handled it better. Had I gotten proper sleep, most likely, I'd still be fine and working. Everything just piled up and overreactions galore. I know this is what if -ing, but I'm more clear headed after few nights of good sleep. My appetite isn't what it was, but it's slowly returning.  I'm trying to organize my thoughts and what the hell happened. 

I did get myself mental help. I seem calm now, but this is my life. A crying, sobbing, depressed mess one day, cool as a cucumber, functional adult the next. This can't continue. I asked for help to go through my whole life, to help me start changing the inner monologue and how I deal with things. I can't keep freaking out to the point of hysterical tears over things changing or making a small mistake. I simply hit the panic button, when I should have let the others cool me down and just get up and go and keep doing my best, even if it didn't seem to be good enough. What more could be asked from me?

This has me sort of anxious but also embarrassed and disappointed to the level I wonder am I even welcome to stay in this city. Which is stupid thinking. Yes, I fucked up. There are people in this town who have fucked up more. Way more. Maybe I'll do my best doing what I already do, at my own pace. 

I got flashbacks to the other job I completely fucked up in and that was telemarketing. My now sadly former boss had been a telemarketer, a door to door saleswoman before that. Absolute iron lady. Freshly turned 70. Too fast for me =D I don't want to bear ill will towards her. I fucked up. If I could turn back the last month (August), I would. It hadn't been an easy month. Hell, this whole year has been a rough one. I think nobody has had a good two or so years recently. 

Where it always boils down why I start melting down? Looking at our shit finances. I regret every goddamn purchase we've made. My savings are drained. My grandpa was right, I shouldn't have touched them. Oh well, I just need to sell more doll stuff. I think. I need to do better. As a person. As an adult. I thought I had this in the bag, but nope, there was a hole in the bag and now everything's a mess. 

I have first therapy session in Turvapoiju next Monday. The proper psychiatric sessions start at the end of next month. I need to start probably using this more often as an outlet. Nobody really reads this, but at least to get it off my chest and if someone who finds it finds help from it or is in the same space, you can drop a line.