Searching for a new apartment, all the while having our biggest financial struggle and my mental health is starting to break down. I can't handle things like this!!!!!!!! I'm weak and pathetic and motherfucking whiny-ass bitch!
Not many realize from my motor mouth personality, that I've been really lonely most of my life. The nearest neighbor was almost half a kilometer away, out of sight. There are a steep hill and dense forest between us. And... the nearest neighbors were mostly younger than me.
Yeah, I grew up without playmates. I had imaginary friends, dolls and stuffed animals. I liked the cats and the cattle, but mostly, I was left on my own devices. Sure, while my dad worked in the restaurant, grandparents with the cattle, I was usually playing either outside or inside, probably under my uncle's supervision. I think. I remember him taking care of me twice alone.
Remembering childhood for me is a painful experience. There are a lot of things I'd love to forget, but also things I'd love to have still around. I loved playing with dolls/toy horses/cars alone, but I do remembering being introduced to the eldest grandchild of our neighbors. There weren't many girls my age along our home …
I have always envied some of my friends, who had mom and dad and siblings. I didn't grow up like that and I was even bullied for it. By classmates and teachers alike.
When my parents were getting married, mom was apparently already pregnant with me. They got married in my grandparents' home, my "mother", whom I only refer to as The Bitch for several reasons, wore my granny's old wedding dress, since she had been pregnant with my dad when they got married. Ironic, much. Anyway, that much I know from the pictures. If I remember correctly, the only family present were my grandparents, my now late uncle and her youngest brother and maybe the youngest sister, I don't remember exactly, it's been a long while since I've seen the photos. Not a single smile. Granny said my uncle had asked why are they getting married, anyone with a half a mind can see it's not gonna last. Granny simply responded, "I know, it won't last, keep quiet."
Even the …