Of the three "mothers"

Where to start? Maybe I should start with the dumb bitch that brought me to life. My "mother".
She has two sisters and a brother. Her mother never cared for them, they were raised by their grandmother. My granny told me that her stepfather was a grumpy man, he had once swiped the chair from underneath my mother and she had been knocked out.

She was about to marry my dad, when my uncle asked from granny, what the hell my dad saw in her. Granny didn't know either, but told him not to meddle. They told me she was a oddball. Liked foods that made my granny gag and scrunched up her nose to granny's cookings. They lived in Kauhava, not too far from here. She had dogs, a lot, granny said they were ugly as hell. Small and untrained. They had me. Nothing changed.

She didn't like if granny tried to give an advice. She also asked if they were sure the dogs wouldn't jump into my crib. She said of course not, that they were well behaving. Granny turned her back and one of the dogs jumped onto me and I started wailing like a fire alarm. So much for well behaving, also explains my fear of water, dog slobber. While in Kauhava, they lived next to a family of gypsies. The matriarch or sorts was wondering and finally asked my mother, why she was always outside with the dogs, but not with me. She just scoffed. She once left me alone in the dark apartment, crying my lungs out, while taking the dogs for a walk. Dad was working.

Granny thanked the gypsy woman for telling her that. She said that if it ever turned into an official strife, nobody would believe her even if she did tell the truth, how she neglected me. My parents luckily divorced. But as usual, the mother gets the child. Unlucky me.

She took me with her, to Rantsila. She was probably never faithful while married to dad, because many had seen cars of strange men at the apartment. While I was with her, my halfsister's granny told me that her sister was just like her. She told me that once she had been going to the local store and there had been a baby carriage with a crying baby outside it. She hadn't done much but glanced, and once she spotted my mother and her sister in the store, asked if they knew whose baby was left outside. They seemed like they had forgotten ME. My sister's ganny said she would have done something, had she known it was me.

My mother had put newspapers on the floor ad the dogs shat and pissed and I was crawling in there.
I was with her half a month. Then she called my dad to "come and pick up your brat, I'm sick of her". Dad and granny came to get me.

My halfsister is one and a half years younger. Her dad refused to marry, saying they'd divorce soon anyway and that he'd take the girl, no matter what.

When I was brought here, they said I was sitting silently and everytime I was about to laugh, I suddenly grew stone faced, looking around sullenly. I barely played with toys. Makes me wonder what the hell she did to me. It took me two week to start smiling.
And I started calling granny mother. Couldn't help it. She was strict though and I never cared for rules. I was often downgraded (even by teachers) at school because I was raised by my grandparents and I called my granny my mother. Took me years to start calling her granny. It took my dad getting a new woman for himself for me to start calling her granny. She was overjoyed.
(She got measles, scarlet fever and if I remember correctly, rubella, which caused her to have diabetes. She was barely 13 at the time, almost died, and has been on the brink several times, because diabetes is a tricky and difficult illness, because it is so... unique. Not every person suffer it the same way. She is almost 70 soon. She always dreamed to work with small children, but the doctors and nurses of that time told her flat out she couldn't. She has done odd jobs since then. That about sums up my granny's childhood.)

I liked my stepmother at first. Sure, she was strict, I had tight rules when I lived there through summers. I was often reprimanded because I didn't know how to interact with her dog. Or how to peel the potatoes (granny or gramps always did that...). She got pregnant and I felt giddy that I was gonna be a bigsister. I did not know or acknowledge that I had a halfsister from my real mother's side. She welcomed me, treated me like her own daughter, introduced me to her son, he was born -83. He always treats me like a little sister. They played with me, despite me being annoying.
I was even planning to move in with them, go to a new school. Then I got friends. And I stayed here.

We just drifted apart. Granny says she manipulates my dad, she has forbidden gramps to call, calls him phone crazy (I don't blame her though, I hate the Sunday calls too). Uses me as a medium to get messages through to gramps. My brother doesn't keep much contact to her, which she understands, she also understands my anxiety to get out of this place. She knows of my depression too, maybe even knows of my relationship, but hasn't brought it up.

Still, would  have been but a free babysitter, had I moved in? They did "family trips", I was never part of it. I was left here again. Lost another chance of a normal, steady family. Dad changed because of his accident, they never visit anymore... They even have the guts to chastitise me. It's easy to do from a distance, when they don't need to meet my violent temper.

I once shocked them to the core. They were there for my confirmation, granny was in the hospital, recovering from a heart surgery. Gramps was once again triple checking everything that if I kew what to do and shit and I snapped that of course I knew, did he take me for an idiot. Gramps took it as if nothing and both, my stepmother and dad were shocked and later, after I had stormed off, asked how he let me talk to him like that. Gramps coolly anwered that he had raised two teenage boys, my temper wasn't much different, they had it in front of them still. My halfsister is 9 years younger than I am.

The boss of the workshop thought that one of many valid reasons of helping me into seeing the psychologist was my mother hate. Maybe the way I spoke of my own mother shocked her, she is a single mother, but still. I think all that hate is justified. That is something me and my halfsister have in common. We are almost like twins. We understand each other, tease each other...

My life would be a whole bunch of lies hadn't it gone like this. My godmother wanted to adopt me, but she is mentally unstable and when I was a baby and the adopton in concideration by my dad, she started asking if my mother used any meds while she was expecting me. If I wasn't healthy at all. That's when all breaks were hit. Gramps lso learned that my ame, birthday, everything would be changed and I would have been lost forever. One social worker was behaving like an ass and other one told my dad that whatever goes around you, never let go of your daughter. And he has had the guts to accuse my grandparents of stealing me. Granny's sister reprimanded my dad worse than Odin did Thor.

I heard my real mother is married again, maybe not even together with that guy anymore. She had a miscarriage. She sent a letter to my dad and to my sister's dad, lamenting the loss of the twins. Dad was kinda happy she might have been rendered unable to have children anymore, she might not have kept those either. She is living in Ruukki, she owes a debt to nearly everyone, is on everyone's blacklist... Has stolen money from the kennel she works in...

I will dance happily the day she dies. Sadly, hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. I have a long way to go. I don't give a flying fuck of what she does, but if she comes a shotgun range away from me, I will tear her eyes out and feed them to her. I told my uncle to tell her that. She blames my sister's grandparents and dad for seeking me out. It was her brother who did that. She never gave my granny their names, so we couldn't look for them.